Reader mail

The following email was received from a former high school friend (not a former friend but a former classmate, well you get it). I must have dazzled him with my knowledge when we met up at our reunion last weekend. Either that or he has simply become desperate for help.

Dear ONG,

While my aversion to lawn maintenance is well documented and legendary, having a garden is something I can and would enjoy. However, there is a surly gang of deer that in addition to having a flip and abrasive attitude, devour everything I've ever planted. No flowering plants have made it past 3 days. We've consulted several local gardening centers and each and every flower/plant they have guaranteed to survive have disappeared - even thistle and holly are eaten. I came home one day to an unpleasant young buck who had just dined on a holly plant who exclaimed with toothpick in mouth, "Is that all you've got?" then called me a pansy. Which, by the way, he's also eaten.

What suggestions do you have either for flowers/shrubs that stand the best chance, or for keeping the deer out of the yard? A fence is out of the question as it would be admitting defeat and they would just jump it anyway...plus, i think it would piss them off.

Help me Obsessive Neurotic Gardener, you're my only hope...

I hesitate to sign my name, as the deer leech off my wireless and if they find out I sent this they will exact revenge.

Oh you mean these cute harmless beauties:

I joke  ... Where to begin? Well let's respond to your inquiry in my preferred layout, bullet form:

• Aversion to grass = all sorts of awesomeness. Lawns require too much time and effort and excessive resources for very little reward. Although, this feedback coming from someone who owns almost two acres of lawn does come off very hypocritical. I am slowly, however, removing as much lawn as I can.
• I now assume that deer will eat absolutely anything and ignore all references to "deer resistant". It saves me from heartache when it all gets munched down.

• Of course you always have the option of using different deer repellents in an attempt to protect your plants. I have personally used Liquid Fence with some success but it does require a new application often, especially after it rains. Some other interesting options include:

1. Hanging bars of Irish Spring soap (insert whistle here) amongst your plants.
2. Keeping a cheap radio playing all night as a deterrent.
3. Various mixtures of eggs, hot sauce, dog hair,etc.   

• With that said, there are a few rules of thumb when it comes to plants that deer do not prefer. These include plants with fuzzy leaves, thorny plants and plants with flowers that have a strong smell. I use the following website to research deer destruction levels, and it is based out of New Jersey - Rutgers Deer Resistance. 

I sense your pain and distress so I will make it easy for you. Go out and get the following and I will put my personal guarantee behind it:

Ornamental grasses -  there are so many to choose from and I can speak from experience that they have never been touched once. They come in all sizes and varying colors so you can't go wrong with any of them. Check out this website for an awesome selection - Bluestem.

Butterfly Bush - another shrub that the deer have never touched. The blooms are heavily scented so they seem to stay away.

Daffodils - this is a legendary deer proof bulb. Now it's just up to you if you want to plant these yourself in the Fall. I don't know how high your lazy meter goes.

Boxwood - another shrub the deer detest and that is probably because these smell like a urinal puck if you get up close. Will look good if formal is your thang.

Iris - some may disagree but these have remained unscathed for the past few years and they are in major deer territory. The rabbits will nibble on it a bit though.

Russian Sage - the scented flowers and leaves must be the deterrent here because I have not had these touched ever.  And let's face it, this shrub is phenomenal.
 
Well, I wish you nothing but success with your gardening ventures and hopefully I've helped you a bit with a plan that can be put in place.

And one last tip before I forget, slow down on the Jameson.

Sincerely,
ONG       

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