"I am dumb" a rebuttal by Alex

For your comedic pleasure, I give you my friend Alex's rebuttal to yesterday's post, where I ripped him a new one. He sent this to me and dared me to post it. I couldn't resist, considering the amount of time he appears to have put into it. Also, it is taking all of my strength to not edit his grammar but I will leave it as is so you can witness his lack of skills in that department. Enjoy:      

First, it’s true, I am dumb.  I can’t spell, I don’t reread what I write, I don’t check my grammar – and when in doubt I throw in a semi-colon (or apparently a dash).  

I poorly write a little blog of my own which has been described as:

"this is uninspired, uninformed, sloppy, rushed and forced blogging at it's absolute worst and lowest common denominator. how could something be worse than this god forsaken eyesore of a background image executed J.V. squad style, tiling into infinity? I don't know but this blog entry is somehow worse. And how can something meant to be funny be so devoid of humor? I guess when you steal the safest, most oft-used nhl satire bits from 2005, anything is possible. And by anything i mean, the hottest, wettest garbage on the internet."

But I am not going to stand around and allow John to carry out a character assassination on me without rebuttal.  Suck it ONG, I demand you post this rebuttal.

As John said, I’m not a plant guy.  As a matter of fact, I’m not much of a nature guy at all, unless it’s something I can eat with a  fork and knife or artificially manipulate by treating with chemicals.   How can you not be a plant guy, one might ask, they provide so much to the planet…. Bullshit.  I don’t trust them.  I think if it weren’t for humans attempts to aggressively control the plant population they would be plotting to achieve world domination.  How do I know this?  I remember watching this documentary when I was like eight:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTSR6bu0Nq0

I know exactly what you are thinking right now, because I had the exact same thought; a troubling documentary on the dangers of plant life.

Are plants good for the environment?  Please.  Did you know that the 8^th largest cause of methane gas from human related activities is “forest land remaining forest land?”  And that has over 57x more of an impact that my favorite past time “field burning of agricultural residue”.  Conclusion:  Burn agricultural = save planet.

And they are two-faced.  Oh yea sure, during the day they are all about that photosynthesis we produce oxygen shit.  Well guess what?  You know who else produces Oxygen?  Oprah…. And I trust her a sure as a hell a lot more than I trust some Pteridium aquilinum (worlds most common plant it turns out).  Why?  Because as night Oprah doesn’t do a 180 and attempt to steal our oxygen suffocate us by cellular respiration (Oprah is only interested in stealing our money).

So while I’m not a plant person, that’s not the problem I have with ONG.  I’ve been to ONGs house, and much like Amoco’s advertising that it’s Crystal Clear gasoline was better for the environment, the twenty-seven times he takes a picture of the exact same plant and slaps some obscure latin name on the thing is not a full representation of neither his house, his garden, nor his family.

Fortunately I brought my camera last time we were over to provide a fair and balanced assessment on his garden.  Take a look, and you can be the judge as to whether you want to hit him with a false claims suit.

First, parking is always an issue at casa da ONG.  That’s just a pretty solid house design right there buddy.  If I am not mistaken that is an arbor mala he’s planted in middle of his driveway.

We parked, walked up to his front door, and saw this lovely little beauty waiting to greet us.  I mean nothing says welcome like a mortua planta.

It was a pretty nice afternoon, so we spent most of the time outside on his porch just taking in the scene and appreciating garden, and him showing me some of his new plants and the garden he was working on, as well as how he had decorated for Christmas.

Nice wreath.

So at the end, I’m not opposed the fact that he takes 400 shots of the same plant – I just think he needs to show everything, you know give a full perspective.

To read more of Alex's work, check out his blog http://awkward-sandwich.blogspot.com/.