By now you all know the story of Eat, Pray, Love (because I know you all watch Oprah or at least keep an eye on the New York Times top seller list). It was a world wide sensation and tells the story of one woman’s journey from one day crying in a heap on her bathroom floor to eventually making her way to places like Italy and India where she “found herself”. It is now a soon to be major motion picture starring Julia Roberts and that dude from No Country for Old Men who maybe had the best hair ever seen in a film.

Well, the author, Elizabeth Gilbert, may have written a sequel about her subsequent marriage at the conclusion of the first book, but I am here today to suggest, not a sequel, but the same style story, but from a new perspective. Our central character will be male and he will discover his inner horticultural-ness through a different type journey.

I present you today with the official manuscript/preview/mini-screenplay of my new vision:

This is the story of one man, who one day found himself face down in the mud (was actually more like acidic wet clay) seemingly having hit rock bottom only to bounce back and pull himself up by the boot straps and complete a long journey of much needed self awakening. This is:

DIG, PLANT, GROW

Today, I will present you with the introduction. Be on the look out for parts 1-3 in the very near future:

Our main character, we’ll call him Joe, seemingly had the perfect life. A loving wife (although she had a strange obsession with Tim McGraw), a cute little dog his wife kept in an oversized purse (he always really wanted a Lab) and two cats (Joe really never “got” cats). He worked as an accountant at a large corporation and made what his wife called “OK money”. Every morning Joe put on the corporate uniform – button down shirt, nicely pressed khakis and the same dress shoes he has been wearing since his college graduation. Joe also ate the same breakfast every morning – a bowl of Kashi cereal (his wife said it was healthy according to the Internet) and an apple. Joe didn’t like coffee so he drank a Mountain Dew each morning to get a nice “rush”.

Joe drove to work each morning in a carpool with three other guys that lived in neighboring towns. While the other three talked about their Fantasy Baseball teams or the state of the economy, Joe quietly read his collection of Fine Gardening magazines. He kept a highlighter in his pocket and highlighted all of the tips he wanted to eventually compile in a huge database. The other dudes quietly laughed at Joe and his gardening thing but for the most part left him alone. After all, he paid a larger share of the gas costs because he was the furthest away from the office (or so they told him).

Each night, after a sensible dinner usually consisting of a meat, a vegetable and a starch, Joe would venture outside and tend to his gardens. They were very understated but nice. He dreamed of owning a large property where he could become more creative and increase the number of plants he owned.

One night, as it was becoming almost too dark to see anything, Joe pushed his shovel into the ground as he was attempting to transplant a Hydrangea to an area that received more shade. As he shook the shovel up and down trying to get as much of the root ball as possible, Joe felt dizzy and began to collapse. He tried like hell to fight through it but it was useless – he was going down hard.

Joe eventually came to and managed to open his eyes but there was a blinding light shining on him and he could not focus clearly. It appeared as if there was a giant Farmer guy, wearing really cool overalls, speaking to him. Joe tried to make sense of the scene, as bizarre as it was, and all he could make out were the words “Come with me Joe, we have some digging to do.” As terrifying as the scene was, Joe felt himself invigorated and he gave in to the request. He got up and followed the Farmer into the light, but not forgetting to grab his indestructible gloves and stuck them in his back pockets. It was on like Donkey Kong!

Next time – Part I – DIG

Until then …