The Obsessive Neurotic Gardener

Category Archives: Blog stuff

All it takes is some gummies and a dream, a stressful dream.

Posted on by Posted in Blog stuff, Family, Garden memoir .

I struggle with sleep. I’ve tried the CPAP machine, tape over my mouth, meditation and sequential breathing. Little to no progress.

But then I discovered CBD gummies. While I’ve yet to attain 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep, I’ve seen improvement. Fewer minutes/hours pacing the house in desperation and when I do inevitably wake up during the night, it’s in a state of calm, not all out panic.

An additional benefit of these delicious gummies has been better dreaming. Specifically, more vivid dreaming which was non-existent previously. The dreams aren’t all trippy and fun as hoped, but they do feel longer in duration and they do seem to be probing into my unconscious mind. I appreciate that.

I had one of those dreams last night. While it ended with me waking up in a panic, I cherished the message it delivered.

The dream: the family and I were back at our current house (will explain in a bit) which we had allegedly abandoned in haste years earlier. Papers were strewn on tables, busted chairs littered the floor, weeds climbed up and around the windows. Random acquaintances inhabited different rooms. The kids were significantly younger then they are now. Neighborhood children rudely attempted to get me to buy window decals and tried to steal cash out of my wallet after I agreed to purchase their stupid stickers.

A lot to unpack there. Super stressful.

But the most stressful aspect was I couldn’t figure out why we had left in the first place and where we currently resided. The more I tried to recall what had transpired, the more I got confused. At one point, I stepped through the a sliding glass door that lead to the outside and on to the remnants of a patio. We never had a patio. And I felt a pang of “Damn, I wish I remembered what that patio looked like”. I then lifted up debris and pushed aside branches to reveal a collection of perennials that remained in tact underneath. But I had no memory of planting them. They were in odd numbers though which made me happy.

The frustration hit a crescendo when I spotted a collection of blueberry bushes. “Why can’t I remember these! This was my house but I have no memories of it so is it really my house? It sure feels like it.” And I knew our current residence couldn’t match what we once had.

I woke up.

I couldn’t pull my thoughts together.

Where did I currently live? Why had we left what was once our beautiful home?

It didn’t take too long before I centered myself. You still live in this same house; we never left. You still have your garden. While there is no patio, there is a deck surrounded by shrubs and perennials and grasses and it is fucking awesome.

Massive relief.

Why am I telling you all this? Because I know with certainty that I received this as a message or a warning.

I’ve struggled with turning 50 malaise the past few months.

I genuinely fear getting older. There’s an ever growing sadness with the kids getting older and soon moving out.

My work life is stale and I regret that I never had a “career”, just a “job”.

This dream: “Stop and smell the roses” … and the catmint and the bee balm and soon, yay, the hyacinth.

John, you’re still young and physically capable of tending to your garden. Get back to being the ONG. Cherish all you’ve built and curated and keep building and curating more. Go purchase perennials without a plan of where they’ll fit and figure it out later. Create new spreadsheets. Fill more containers.

LIVE IN THE MOMENT DUMMY.

With that in mind, it’s time to get this blog back up and running consistently. Not just an every other month post with a couple pics. Be me, be immature, be crude, curse, share the joys and the frustrations. This is who you are and this is what makes you happy.

An empty promise yet again? I hope not. Only time will tell. But this time feels different.

Stay tuned.

The big reveal

Posted on by Posted in Blog stuff .

It’s time.

It’s time to pivot.

I’ve absorbed and embraced all of your feedback from yesterday’s post (thank you) and I know where I need to go from here.

I need to be fully transparent.

I need to get back to the roots of this blog.

I’m no expert; just a crazed gardener who more often than not gets it wrong.

So with that in mind, I give you the following video. It’s a tour of my entire garden. Nothing is hidden. I didn’t plan ahead before starting the video and I didn’t edit a thing. I just grabbed my phone, hit the record button and started walking.

I’m terrified to view it myself but I don’t want that to hold me back from sharing it with you all.

This is the basis of the blog moving forward. The struggle is real (tongue sort of planted in cheek) and I’m thrilled to share that struggle (and the successes) with you all. It will all be viewed from a much wider lens.

This will be horrifying yet real.

But fun.

Be kind.

Potential blog changes – need your input

Posted on by Posted in Blog stuff .

Howdy y’all.

I’ve been mulling over some potential changes to this blog (and my writing platforms overall) and I would love your input. After all, you’re the ones who keep coming back each week (and why the heck do you?) and nobody knows what you want more than you.

I’m not considering drastic changes, more like a tweak here and there. I’m leaning more subtle.

As I’ve looked over my posts here from the past few months, it’s clear that I’ve come to favor the garden tour. A tour of my garden that particular day along with some brief notes accompanying the photos. Not a ton of detail as the photos ultimately tell the story.

Do you like these posts? Should they continue to be the bulk of what I post each week?

Or would you prefer shorter, more detailed posts that I post more frequently? These would focus on one topic only.

A mix of both of the above?

Are there new topics you’d like to see me cover?

As you know, I just published my second book and I’m actively trying to promote that book. While it has a lot of gardening, that really isn’t the focus. Should I separate my non-gardening writing from this blog? Keep this to plants and gardening only?

I just created a new “John Markowski – Author” Facebook page that for now, will include all of my book writing news, promotions and non-gardening writing.

Psst – if you want to follow the page, click here.

I may eventually get rid of the “ONG” Facebook page and group all of my writing under the new FB page. We’ll see where that goes. What are your thoughts on the different FB pages? Do you even follow FB pages? If so, what would you like to see there?

I’ll end the questions for today so not to overwhelm you. Again, I’d love to hear your thoughts so I can make this blog the best it can be.

One last thing.

If you picked up a copy of my book (and thank you BTW), I’d love for you to write a brief review on Amazon if you’re up for it. And I beg you to be as honest as possible. Those reviews mean the world to a new and unknown author like me.

THANK YOU ALL!!

One more last thing.

The plant below is my new fave in the garden. I’ll keep you in suspense as to its name until a future post. Any guesses?

?

 

Thanks

Posted on by Posted in Blog stuff .

I’m thankful for my family’s health, even if my back tightens up whenever I sit for a period of time.

I’m thankful for the impact my father-in-law left in this world, even if he left us all way too soon.

I’m thankful for a large garden, even if 1/3 of it looks like shit.

I’m thankful I found a passion for writing, even if I struggle to find the time to enjoy it.

I’m thankful for my son’s intelligence and awareness of all that goes on in the world, even if he proves me wrong on a daily basis and seems to revel in it.

I’m thankful for my daughter’s whimsical and optimistic view on life, even if I can’t fathom how she still believes in the tooth fairy.

I’m thankful for my wife’s compassion, authenticity and natural beauty, even if she thinks I’m full of shit when I say it.

I’m thankful that my parents are still here and I can continue to interview them and pick their brains, even if I don’t tell them that enough.

I’m thankful for this blog and all that is had provided to me, even if I don’t write here as much as I want to.

I’m thankful for ornamental grasses, even if I still have a lot to learn before I can write my book on it.

I’m thankful for the 30,000 words I’ve written for my new book, even if it is a bit self-indulgent and deeply personal.

I’m thankful for you readers, even those who don’t announce themselves.

 

Eco Garden System

Posted on by Posted in Blog stuff, Giveaways .

I get pitched a lot of items as a garden blogger. Over the past 7 years, I’ve been offered  mosquito repellents, kink-less hoses and ostrich fertilizer. While I appreciate the passion and innovation of these start-ups, I almost always pass on accepting samples and a subsequent review. I like to think I’m a blogger with some integrity and many of these products don’t fit with who I am so I happily pass on the freebie.

But every once in a while an opportunity presents itself that is too good to pass up. A product that sells itself within seconds. A product that fits right in my wheel house. A product where I can’t say “yes please” fast enough.

The Eco Garden System is one of those products.

I was ridiculously fortunate to be given an Eco Garden System (“Original Garden”) for a trial and while it is too early to provide a full review, I can say the early votes are in and they are all extremely positive.

eco garden system

As you can see, this is a raised platform planter with so much more than meets the eye. Here are just some of the details:

  • The Eco Garden System is made out of recycled “food contact grade plastic” which means there is no leaching from wood, no contaminants and should provide more longevity than that of a wooden planter.
  • There is a water reservoir at the bottom of the planter and it is separated from the soil through a plant soil platform. This reservoir collects rain water so no water ever goes to waste.

eco garden system

  • The separation of the water reservoir from the soil and ultimately the roots of the plants above, creates a desired “air gap”. This air gap allegedly leads to “super growth” as the roots hang in the gap, absorb the maximum amount of oxygen and thrive with all of the moisture.
  • The water reservoir actually warms the soil temp above which allows for a longer growing season.
  • If the water reservoir becomes too full, there is a drain at the bottom of the planter to allow for excess water to be disposed.

  • If the water supply dwindles, you simply hook up a hose and fill the reservoir. Easy peasy.

 

I received mine a few weeks back and couldn’t wait to open the box and get to work.

Now if you know me, I’m kind of horrendous at all things DIY. That includes putting anything together. When the need calls, I always call my brother-in-law and beg for his guidance.

But not this time.

I did it all myself.

And while I’d love to pump myself up and tell you how proud I was of my accomplishment, the truth is it couldn’t have been any easier.

This is all I had to do a few times.

eco garden system

It took about 45 minutes to complete the assembly and I didn’t have to go back and correct myself at the very end.

Go me.

Once it was built, I found level ground in the garden and my new planter had a home.

I followed the suggestion on the website and filled the planter with a 4 to 1 ratio of organic garden soil and peat moss for moisture retention.

Since we are in the early stages of fall, I dug up some of my cold season veggie seeds and planted them in my shiny new planter.

And now we wait.

While I’m excited to see the seedlings emerge, I’m most excited to create a cut flower garden next spring.

So what do you think?

I’ll be working closely with this company moving forward and will see what we can do in terms of a giveaway/contest/discount.

More fun to come.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Book excerpt – looking for your feedback

Posted on by Posted in Blog stuff, Perennials .

Here is an excerpt of a first version of my book that I’ve been pounding away on for weeks now. I so cherish all of your feedback and have taken all of your comments into account to this point.

When in doubt, why not ask?     

I would love your feedback on the following:

Book title – any creative ideas after reading through below? I’ll handsomely award the winner of the one I like best.

Content – more or less info based on the excerpt below? Less “sentences” and more boxes/bullets/etc?

Layout – this snippet isn’t an exact replica of the layout but it is as close as I can get. What do you think?

Tone – is it me?

Thank you all in advance for taking the time to assist me here.

Alchemilla mollis (Lady’s Mantle)

I remember the exact day back in the fall of 2003 when I decided to purchase some Lady’s Mantle for the first time. Up until that point, all I thought about was flowers in my garden. Foliage was nice, but an afterthought.

My obsession with plants and gardening was gaining steam and I was reading books relentlessly. Books you ask? Those are pages of printed words and photos that are held together with binding. Your grandfather can tell you all about them.

I don’t recall the exact book, but it was all about design and one photo grabbed my attention and changed the course of my garden fanaticism. A beautiful and haunting garden photographed in the early morning was lined with Lady’s Mantle that was covered in dew droplets. My tongue dropped to the floor and I knew I had to try it.

Fast forward a few months and I planted a whole bunch myself in my tiny front bed at our old Cape Cod home in Somerville, NJ. I was so proud of it and sensed that my love of plants was going to exponentially increase now that foliage was part of the game.

Sadly, we moved out of that home by the end of that year and I never got to grow with my new favorite edging plant. I did drive by the home periodically for a good 2 to 3 years after that just so I could watch my babies mature into full adult plants. They ended up looking beautiful even if the new homeowners let everything fall to shit in the garden around them. The day they pulled them out of the ground, I almost got out of my car and approached the house in a fit of rage.

Luckily I thought better of it and drove away and spared myself jail time.

Instead, I bought a bunch and put them in my newly developing garden where they still reside today.

Alchemilla mollis rarely steals the show in the garden. Instead, it is that steady performing groundcover or edging plant that makes the garden whole.

From the moment those leaves start to unfurl in spring, you know old reliable is back for another season.

Let me correct myself for one moment. There is a time when this perennial does truly “shine”. That is when Lady’s Mantle captures the rain droplets in spring. It is a photographer’s dream.

Beyond that, this plant provides a nice contrasting leaf shape to other perennials and shrubs from spring through fall.

The chartreuse blooms, typically arriving in June, are a nice understated feature as well.

 

 

 

I have found it is best to trim off the spent flowers as soon as possible to keep this plant looking its best as summer approaches.

 

 

 

Specifics:
• Survives in zones 3 – 8
• Size typically maxes out at 1.5 ‘ x 2.5’
• Can handle full sun to almost full shade
• Blooms in June here in zone 6B
• Prefers a consistently moist soil
• Has been reliably deer and rabbit resistant over the years
• Non US native
• Flowers brown quickly and can become an eyesore (see more below)
• Leaves are scalloped and fuzzy to the touch

I currently have these as a groundcover in my back bed along the deck.

In full bloom in June and backed by the light of the afternoon sun.

 

 

 

 

 

As you can see below, Lady’s Mantle comes along pretty quickly in spring as evidenced by the “still no signs of life” ornamental grass sitting behind them.

**NEGATIVE ALERT** The one negative/higher maintenance aspect of Lady’s Mantle is that it does require constant moisture. If not, this is what you may see.

Luckily for me, constant moisture isn’t much of a problem unless we have a real dry summer but keep that in mind before purchasing Lady’s Mantle.

This perennial has been labeled as “invasive” but I can say that has not been a problem for me at all. In fact, I’ve never seen a single seedling since I’ve had these. This may be due to the fact that I am pretty diligent in cutting off the spent blooms and therefore there is no opportunity for reseeding.

I must also add that my deadheading has never resulted in any re-blooming later in the season.

 

Friday odds and ends

Posted on by Posted in Blog stuff .

I started a push to convert the non gardening folk over to our side with an article here.

Who knows if it will go anywhere or do anything but I had to let it out. Feel free to comment on the article to aid in the fight.

The family is heading to Port St Lucie, FL in a few days for our annual trip to Spring Training for the New York Mets. I’ll be writing a daily post that sums up that day’s action so be on the look out for that baseball fans.

I made a left turn with my book writing. I have been busting my hump on a “Perennials” book that I’ll be publishing myself. It will only include perennials I currently have in my garden today along with my personal experiences.

With that in mind, I have a few questions for you all if you would be so kind to provide feedback. While I have a lot of it done, I want to make sure it brings the most value to potential readers.

Would you pay for this in the form of an e-book? How much feels right to you?

The main differentiator is that I cover each perennial from their first appearance in early spring up until they die in winter. Does that pique your interest at all?

Should I stick to natives only?

It is heavy with photos but I think that is a strong draw. Do you concur?

The full list of perennials is at 35. Too much and should I break it up into separate e-books?

A sincere thank you in advance for your consideration and have a great weekend.

 

 

 

Santa Rosa Gardens – “My Garden Box”

Posted on by Posted in Blog stuff, Plant shopping .

One of the nice perks of writing a garden blog is that there are opportunities to test out products from various garden and plant vendors. I could write an entire post about some of the more bizarre offers I’ve received the past 7 years so there is a need to find the flowers among the weeds. I’ve probably said “no thanks” 95% of the time.

Many times in the past I’ve mentioned that my go to purveyor for ordering plants online, especially grasses, is Santa Rosa Gardens. I’ve even held multiple contests giving away gift certificates to this nursery. Santa Rosa Gardens has never failed me and all of the plants I’ve purchased from them over the years are still thriving in my garden today.

So when Santa Rosa Gardens reaches out and asks me to sample/trial a product, I’m all ears. This happened a few weeks back when they asked me to try out their “My Garden Box” product.

**A quick disclaimer** This product was provided to me free of charge and no expectations were set in terms of a review.

“My Garden Box” is a subscription service where Santa Rosa designs a custom crafted collection of plants and gardening goods on a monthly basis and delivers them to those who sign up. Think of it as a “Wine of the Month Club” but with plants in a deftly themed format.

Or to describe it more specifically, as pulled right from their website:

Seasonal Plants, Tools & Living Decor and a Touch of DIY

I’ll provide some additional details in a bit as I first want to show you the contents of what I received in my inaugural box.

The box arrived just before the holidays and that old familiar logo put a smile on my face when I found it on the front doorstep.

Upon opening it, I was surprised to see that there was a lot more inside than expected. I could have read up on what to expect before opening the box, but I’m a I-like-to-be- surprised kind of guy.

Here is what was inside, after opening each of the carefully wrapped and protected items.

Now I have to admit I’m typically a dig hole, drop plant in hole kind of gardener and crafty plant stuff can be a struggle for me. That is why I have a smart wife (who loves all of this even more than I do) who can hold my hand along the way. On top of that, each item came with detailed instructions, simple enough that even this dope couldn’t screw it up.

For me personally, I immediately jumped to the gigantic Amaryllis bulb. It is ‘Apple Blossom’ and wouldn’t you know it, my wife’s personal favorite. Score one for good garden blogger husband.

In no time, that bulb was planted according to the easy to consume directions and it sits on my windowsill just waiting for the growth to kick in.

The “box” included the bulb and the stones and the glass bowl you see above.

Next in line was the Tillandsia “Airplant” in a hanging glass ornament terrarium. Who knew such a thing existed? Yes, I know what you are thinking, dreams do come true. It fits right in with the living decor movement.  

And yes, that is a Hello Kitty ornament. Don’t judge. I have an 11 year old daughter.

The kit included the Tillandsia, the glass ornament terrarium, faux snow, faux ornaments/gifts and faux moss/grass. Crafty ONG put it all together with no problem and has properly followed the directions by soaking the plant once a week. It still sits on our Christmas tree as I type this and I’m not exaggerating when I say 7-10 people have specifically asked about this ornament ever since it made its way on there.

The final item in the box is this classic looking soap dispenser that has become the default soap dispenser in our kitchen every since it arrived.

If my math serves me correctly, that is three items that have made a big impact in the Markowski household over the holidays.

You can get all of the details as to how the subscription service works here.

I like the fact that you can do it for a year automatically, 3 months automatically or try it one time. There is something about getting this during the quiet time of year in terms of gardening here in the Northeast US. A little ray of sunshine through the bleakness.

I admittedly know little about houseplants and I am using this opportunity to get myself acquainted with them. It is a nice way to get the hands dirty even while indoors. The Tillandsia is my gateway houseplant.

I’d love to get your thoughts on this product/service. What do you think? Would you consider trying it out? Would you ever give it as a gift? Have you ever done anything like it in the past? Would you be interested in a giveaway for a subscription (wink wink)?

Thanks in advance and thank you to Santa Rosa Gardens for the opportunity to test drive this exciting product.

Journal entry #1 – January 2, 2017

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Hi there.

I was going to start this with “Dear Diary” but that sounded very 1980’s teen girl-like. I am going to turn 45 this calendar year and it’s time I mature as a writer. Fortunately for me, this is a personal journal entry and no one will be reading this. Still, if I ever want to expand beyond “cute post”, I need to embrace a more mature writing style.

You’re probably wondering why I’m writing to you like this. Very astute observation. I’ve actually never done this “personal journal” thing before but without proclaiming it as an official “resolution”, I have quietly promised myself that I would write daily. Chances are slim that I will stick to it but only you will know that.

The inspiration to write daily comes from a book I’ve raved about before “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron. Her concept of “morning pages” piqued my interest a few months back and I’m now ready to embrace the practice. This means a daily routine of writing each morning as a means of clearing the brain. The writing isn’t intended to ever be published but the hope is by removing the clutter, the clear and sharp writing will follow.

As you may or may not know, I’ve been writing regularly through the writing platform at medium.com and I love it. In case you ever wanted to check it out, click here. The ability to write about non-gardening stuff came at a time when I felt a bit burnt out on garden writing. I’m still not sure where things go from here but I know I haven’t lost the passion for gardening and writing is who I have become so chances are garden writing sticks around for a while still.

And the more I thought about it, the more I realized I need “morning pages” specifically for garden writing. I’m all over the place with it so I need to work things out through this sheltered and hidden communication means we have here. I just need you to listen, not judge and let me work it all out over the next few months. You cool with that?

If so, here’s my first attempt at employing my garden writing windshield wipers. It will be rambling, odd and hard to follow, but know the goal is to come out firing on all cylinders on the other side. “Morning pages” are supposed to be hand written but my hand hurts after writing with a pen for any longer than 45 seconds so that is why I am typing it out here.

Again, the smart move was to do this in secret because if any readers were to get a hold of this, well, they may not be readers any more. Never let them know that you are a weirdo.

So here we go and thank you in advance for allowing me to experiment here. The inaugural spewing of thoughts will be generic today but I hope to make them hyper specific as I proceed ahead over the next few months.

When I walked outside this morning I loved the winter garden. I am so “I hate winter”, “I like winter” that it is driving me insane. Today I like.

At the same time, I think spring once January hits. But I’ve lost my usual gusto when trying to find new growth in March but I hope it reappears this year. Life has a way of getting in the way.

Do I have too many grasses?

I’m sick of my own writing and how I sound? Is that normal?

I’m dreading cutting down the grasses. Do I have too many?

Is this the year I abandon growing tomatoes and veggies all together? Every frickin year I have big plans and can never stick with it. Does that make me a bad person.

When will I be comfortable enough to allow others to see my garden? If I were a betting man I’d say the answer is never. That sucks.

Do I try and journal my garden more seriously this year. Ditch the sarcasm and goofiness and just show the results? I may like to try that.

Why do I still get embarrassed when someone says “Ask John, he is way into gardening”?

Usually by now, I have my gardening catalogs set aside for some online shopping. I’m thinking about not buying anything this year. Is that good or bad?

Fuck hydrangeas.

 

 

 

 

The results of my gardening resolutions since 2010

Posted on by Posted in Blog stuff .

I dove way back into the blog archives for today’s post. Inches of dust were swept away and endless doses of humiliation were consumed just to prove a point to all of my readers.

I suck.

You should go elsewhere.

I’m a phony.

This is no exaggeration. I’m not playing the sympathy card.

I traveled back in blog time and collected all of my prior end of the year garden resolutions and tabulated my success, ahem, failure rate.

I will keep you in suspense in terms of a % until the end of this post.

Each and every resolution has been copied in its exact wording from the original post. I will add my current day commentary after each one and whether each one was a “success” or “failure”.

You can click on the year to view the original posts if indulging in other’s humiliation is your thing.

Allow the carnage to begin.

2011
I vow to include my children more in the gardening process – Not even close. I haven’t even attempted to engage them for years now. Fail.

I will stay on top of the pruning, especially those perennials that require it for size control. There were some attempts back a few years but nothing since. Fail.

I will grow even more of my own food and do it in a sensible way. I have no idea what “sensible” meant but bottom line, I’ve grown a few tomatoes and that is it. I’m lazy. Fail

I will dig like a champ, put my body through complete torture and revel in the pain. I took on some bigger projects that following year but very little since. I hate myself. Fail.

I will continue to incorporate more and more native plants. This has been a focus every year to date. Success.

I will admit defeat to the deer. Yeah right. I assume this meant to only plant truly deer resistant plants. I’m still dumb. Fail.

I will do my best to stop and “smell the roses” more often. Huh? Fail.

2012
Expand, expand, expand -I want to add more paths and “destinations” that will encourage you to want to explore more. Very little has changed since then. I’m really disappointed in myself retroactively. Fail. 

Foliage, foliage, foliage – The key is to focus on foliage with contrasting colors, shape and textures. Hmmmm. I’m still a foliage gardener but I know what I truly intended here. More exciting and dramatic foliage. There have been some attempts but not to the level I intended. Fail.

Take advantage of raised beds – This is a simple one. Raised beds eliminate the poor drainage issue and allow me to grow herbs and vegetables I normally could not. I still have only the original one and have added exactly zero since. Fail.

Give up on the plants I know will not thrive – It is all about survival of the fittest and if you can’t keep up, you’re gone. Good bye Phlox paniculata, Good bye daylillies, Good bye Geranium ‘Brookside’. I still have all three. Fail.

Visit more gardens and get my ass inspired. The aforementioned ass has not been inspired at all. Fail.

2013

Soil test – as soon as the soil is workable in spring, I will get my samples out for testing and I cannot wait to see the results. Enough of the speculation and guesswork, time to get scientific. Didn’t happen. Fail.

Compost – it will take some time to get the production going, but thanks to that wonderfully inspiring GGW episode from last night, I now know where I can purchase compost in bulk. Didn’t happen. Fail.

Education – this is more of a keep reading, visit local gardens, talk to other gardeners, look into becoming a Master Gardener and simply get in the dirt kind of thing. I am now crying. Fail.

2014 – I tried reverse psychology heading into 2014. You’ll see, very little changed.

Growing your own food really is a waste of time. I would much rather just buy our produce from a big old supermarket and pay more for it. So let’s make a promise to grow less fruits and vegetables this year. See prior resolution and prior fail. Fail.

I love having to move large shrubs once they outgrow their location. The pain of digging it out and trying not to destroy all of the plants in its path once it is unearthed is the frickin best. I vow to ignore proper spacing rules in 2014. I have not gained any patience over the years with spacing. Fail.  

I love taking my chances on a plant that deer love to chow down on. Those plants that are not deer friendly, like Allium, are so boring. Again, see prior resolution and subsequent fail. Fail.  

I find berries on shrubs/trees to be such a distraction and an unnecessary mess. Plus all those annoying birds come and devour them. No more plants with berries in 2014. Does it count if berry producing plants have been erratically relocated and/or have been nibbled by deer? I didn’t think so. Fail.  

One of my favorite moments in summer is when we go on vacation and I fail to line someone up to help water the containers. I love the mystery of returning home to see if any of the flowers or even the plants survived. Pure adrenaline. I am going to do more of the same in 2014 and even try to plan our vacation for the hottest and driest part of summer. Beyond epic fail. I fried my containers so badly this year and we didn’t even take a long vacation. Fail.  

The wear and tear, cost and effort of cutting the grass is so worth it. It is so rewarding to spend most of my free time sitting on a lawn tractor. So let’s remove more of those garden beds and add more lawn. While it hasn’t been on a large scale, I have continued to chop away at the lawn. Well look at that. Success.

Native plants are so uninteresting and do not add a lot to the garden. In 2014 we eradicate them all and add more yuccas and hostas. This is hard to fathom, two successes in a row. Success. 

Ignore what my daughter has to say and do my best to fail to live up to her expectations. I have no clue what this was about, but safe to say I’ve failed. Fail.

Remove all blue foliage plants from my garden. I have added some “blue” the past few years. Yeah me. Success.

Keep ignoring my conditions and try to fit a square peg in a round hole. I refuse to attempt to grow a bog garden. This pisses me off. My garden is ripe for a bog or rain garden. Why I haven’t tried is beyond me. Fail. 

2015 – None made. I’m sure I failed with many unwritten resolutions as well.

2016 – Even the year I try non-gardening resolutions, well, read on.

Stop drinking coffee at night. I managed to stay away for 4 days last week. Before that, not pretty. Fail. 

Make my kids watch the original “Star Wars” movie. Not even close. And they have no interest in “Rogue One” either. Fail.

Floss every night. Does every other week count? Fail.

Read one book a month. I think I managed 3 in 2016. Fail.

Watch one soccer game, I mean match, in its entirety. Why did I care about this again? Doesn’t matter now. Fail.

Eat vegetarian for one week. More like one meal. Fail. 

Cook one meal from scratch each month. Does placing an already prepped meal in the oven and applying the appropriate time count? Fail. 

Call a sports talk radio show. Fail.

More videos on this blog. How many did you see here in 2016? Fail.

Pretend to be a professional photographer for a day. What does this even mean? Fail?

At least finalize the “concept” for a gardening book. Well what do you know, here is one where I can proudly say “Hell yes”. 2017 is the year we see “Ornamental Grasses: A Love Story” come to fruition. Success.    

Write for another blog/publication. Wait, I didn’t see this coming. Another success in the realm of writing? I’m sensing a trend here. Expanding my writing on Medium has already opened some doors and I’m so thrilled to have found my way there. Success.

Stop the PennEast pipeline. The delays have been promising but there is still a long way to go. TBD.

So here is our final tally:

Resolutions made since 2010: 38

Successes: 6

Fails: 31

TBD: 1

Success rate: 22%

With that horrific success rate in mind, it is time to create some resolutions in for 2017 that are just about guarantees. Resolutions that will require little to no effort. Resolutions that are virtual locks.

You are free to remain skeptical based on past numbers.

My 2017 gardening resolutions:

Smile a lot.

Be thankful for each and every moment spent in the garden I’ve weaved for myself.

Remember the stories behind each and every plant.

Never feel pressure to do a thing.

Be aware of the escape the garden provides.

Understand the healing powers of a garden.

Embrace the words that emerge from a summer walk in the garden and enjoy the feeling of typing them.

And most of all, understand how blessed I am to be able to dig out that enormous ornamental grass, chop it up and create 5 more. To be healthy enough and strong enough to still be able to do it. To embrace the patience to watch the new ones mature. To have the resilience to see that grass book become a reality. To never forget the excitement of planting that first grass, a stake in the ground announcing the arrival at our family homestead. Understanding that having family as backbone has allowed me to throw myself into the garden and share its wonders with my readers.

Here’s to 2017 and tossing bullshit resolutions to the side.

Enjoy my friends.