This post may make future functions with friends and family incredibly awkward or it may resolve a decades long unspoken issue between many of us. My gut tells me it is the latter, so I’m willing to push on, all in the name of improved familial relations.

The truth is, steps were taken this past Saturday night to address something that has stressed me out for decades – the process of greeting and saying goodbye to friends and family. I know, you all go about it without a care in the world, a mere afterthought, but I’m just not that fortunate. If someone had created and distributed the rules when I was younger, I’d be fine. Simply follow the rule book and move on. But as far as I can tell, that set of rules was never created and that is a shame. I could have enjoyed life a whole lot more up until this point.

Back to Saturday night.

We were enjoying a hearty wintry meal with extended family, impeccably prepared by my better half, with the six of us (all sans children) seated around our dining room table. The wine was flowing as was the conversation. A lot of laughs were had and it seemed like the perfect opportunity to broach a lighthearted yet vital topic.

“Hey guys, on a scale of 1-10, how comfortable are all of you with greeting each other, friends and other members of your family?”  

Crickets chirped.

Silence.

Shit, I ruined a fun and carefree moment.

But I waited it out. I was all in now.

“Are you kidding, I never kiss HIM hello.” Yes!

“We see each other so often, there is no need for a physical embrace.” Amen sister!

“That dude goes right in for the kiss every time and I barely know him.” You’re preaching to the choir!

Nice, let’s get into it.

I am not an overly touchy feely type guy. No deep seated psychological issues and no parent to blame either. I am not anti affection, just overly sensitive to how others perceive my affection. I don’t want to ever do it wrong. I respect others’ personal space and hold it sacred as well. I also know that from time to time my breath can be somewhat questionable (TMI, I know, but I drink a lot of coffee). If I had to sum it up, it’s not that I don’t feel warmth from a hug or genuinely enjoy seeing someone who I haven’t seen in a while, I just struggle with the formality of the initial embrace.

In order to deal with this silly yet very real hang-up, I have created a robust, albeit imaginary, spreadsheet in my head that outlines the greeting tendencies of various friends and family members. I access it daily in order to best prepare for the inevitable greetings. This one is a “hugger”, that one is a “fist bumper”, that one practically wants to make out and that one finds an excuse to walk away at the right moment. With that important info in tow, I can navigate the sitch.

What made our Saturday night dinner discussion so enjoyable, beyond the beef tenderloin and popovers, was that I learned that I wasn’t alone. My sister-in-law and cousin-in-law paddled in the same boat as me. They clearly had analyzed personal embraces as much as I had. I wasn’t so strange after all.

The more wine that was poured and the more we chatted about bear hugs and high fives, the more we collectively realized that people could easily be placed into categories. Categories of how they said hello and goodbye. The extremes of physical touch and last second head turns.

Luckily for you, I’m here today to provide you with these specific categories. It is a great reference for those of you who struggle with social interactions. Feel free to bookmark it for future reference.

THE ALL-IN PERSON

You know who I am talking about. The individual who goes all in aggressively regardless of your relationship to them. A massive hug, a kiss on the lips and maybe even a face squeeze. I actually find these people to be easy to deal with. I simply sit back, let them do their thing and survive it. I don’t have to worry about my actions because they are oblivious to what I am doing.

THE BRO-HUG

These dudes scare me. Aggressively male and the hug usually follows with an unnecessary punch to the arm. The biggest question is whether or not there is a slap or two on the back after the hug. I usually let the aggressor make that call and I try to quickly return the slap(s).

THE BRO-HUG LITE

The most terrifying embrace by far. It requires one to recognize that a “lite” hug is coming and not the full-on version. Any mix of the two becomes unbearably awkward. Even if it is properly identified ahead of time, it is still difficult to pull off. One must rotate about 45 degrees and the other must remain with both shoulders facing their counterpart. The head tilt down is optional. And both parties must remain stoic throughout the embrace, with no words spoken. Terrifying.

STANDARD HUG

This one seems easy at the surface, but it is anything but that. First decision, are you going in with your head tilted to the left or to the right? I prefer the left and decided a long time ago to stick with that in all circumstances. Second decision, how long is the hug? A quick 1 second or do you linger longer? I think of it as a formula where you have to factor in how close you are to your fellow hugger and how long has it been since you’ve seen them. There is also a height differential issue that comes into play. I’m 6 foot 3 and have to contend with this often. The last thing you want to do is rest the chin on the head because you cannot pull that off and not look creepy.

STANDARD HUG WITH A CHEEK KISS

Oh lord I hate this one. I hate it when I know it is coming because I turn my cheek in anticipation and that looks weak. I hate when I am caught off guard and had assumed it was just the standard hug. It sends the message that my counterpart was not worthy of the standard hug with a cheek kiss. There is also a decision to be made post cheek kiss. Do you time it so the kiss and hug occur at the same time, or do you allow yourself to be kissed and then go in for the hug. And similar to the “standard hug”, how long does one linger with the hug. And for future reference, I am never the “kisser”, unless it is my wife or kids.

THE HANDSHAKE

Relatively easy one between two dudes. One challenge is to up the other in terms of the handshake firmness. I like to win that one but some times the other dude is just built like an ox and it is hopeless. The other challenge is to determine if your partner may be a germaphobe and may not want to shake at all.

Where it gets really awkward is with the opposite sex. Is a handshake a bit disrespectful to a woman? Should it really be? What justifies the jump to a hug? Is it easier to just wave “hello”? Is it possible to pull that off without looking like a tool? I’m exhausted.

THE DEAD FISH HANDSHAKE

The biggest challenge with this one is to not immediately react to the corpse like hand and to some how garner respect for that same individual.

THE FIST BUMP

I guess this is the alternative to the handshake but I never include it in my arsenal. I think it is now officially a thing of the past. So 2010.

THE NO CONTACT PERSON

This is the one who establishes early on that you will not be making any physical contact with them. Easy to deal with when someone has already been identified as a “no contact person”, a simple “Hi” is all that is needed. Where it gets tricky is when you do not know for sure. It may be someone you met once before and didn’t get a chance to determine how they embrace. Or someone you’ve come to know better over time and when you see them it would make sense to now hug. Or someone who comfortably greets someone of the same sex but has different rules for the opposite sex. Even more of a reason for the mental spreadsheet.

Look for an upcoming post where I’ll address the rules of workplace interactions including the holding of a door and how to navigate the men’s room.

You’re welcome.