It’s technically not a “DGP” (Daily Garden Photo) but we’ve already established this will occur from time to time. My garden isn’t THAT interesting that I can keep you entertained daily on just plants.

Like for today. What you’re looking at below is the base for a hammock.

It’s kind of gigantic. I bought it for my wife years ago assuming it would fit comfortably on our deck where she could lay back, read and relax while looking over the garden I’d so amazingly curated.

It was too big. And yes, I’d read over the measurements ahead of purchase and still got it wrong.

We tried out in the garden. Nope. Still too big and gaudy.

So it ended up underneath the stand of pine trees you viewed in my previous post. And it’s still there, where no one else knows it’s there but me. Until I figure out what to do with it next.

Spoiler: there is no “next”.

The end.

Quick one today.

I was searching through my phone for a photo to use for today’s DGP (Daily Garden Photo) and came upon this pic below … four times.

It’s the screensaver on my iPhone that I apparently “screenshotted” four times in the past week. How I did this, I have no idea. Some sort of maneuvering as I maneuvered through my phone. The kind of thing an older individual who doesn’t understand technology does.

That’s me now.

We here at WNJHHN (New Jersey Hard Hitting News) take pride in covering the news stories YOU want to know about. The stories YOU need to know about. So we went under cover, posing as a Meter Reader, to explore the Markowski garden and frankly, it was worse than expected. Here are our findings:

John Markowski, commonly known around these parts as, The Obsessive Neurotic Gardener or ONG for short (we’ll save our findings on whether or not he violated copyright law by using that acronym in a future exposition), claims to be an experienced and well thought out gardener. His blog posts would lead you to believe that his garden is lush, well designed and free from the struggles the typical gardener faces on a daily basis like critter destruction and weeds. As you’ll see, that is a farce.

The man claimed to be above using a Spirea in his garden. It was too commonly used by landscapers and not all that “dynamic” (his words) yet what do we have here:

Did you run out and purchase some Phlox plants when Mr. Markowski led you to believe that they were “ignored by the deer”? Would you want a refund if you knew this is how ALL of his Phlox look right now? We’re not above initiating a class action lawsuit on behalf of all you loyal readers.

For years, ONG has waxed poetic about how his Baptisia plants, we believe the term is “reseeded” leading to many more plants in his garden. These so called “free plants” were reviled as a money saver and an opportunity to fill your garden up with “sparkling blue flowers that will take your breath away and bring in the bees”. Did you know that these “free” plants look like this?

Not what you expected, right? Could the stems look any weaker? For those of you who followed this dangerous advice, are you spending all weekend digging out the tough to extract seedlings? Could your time have been better spent doing other garden chores? Did we mention lawsuit?

Ask John if you can see all of the other buds on this peony plant. Spoiler: the other two you see hidden in this pic have already faded so there aren’t any. Think you’ll see a follow-up on this? You won’t.

Does this look like the garden of a self-proclaimed expert? Do we need to count the visible weeds? This is only one example we documented. Trust us, this is the norm and not the exception.

And finally, an image that we think encapsulates the fraud that is John Markowski’s garden. If we had to rename his garden, “Standing water with grass clippings” is about as good as it gets.

So there you have it. We’ve got more but we’ll withhold for our upcoming documentary. Just remember, if you feel you’ve been wronged (and you have), please contact WNJHHN and we”ll get you started on well-deserved compensation.

Dear John From What was Originally 3 Hours Ago – 

This is a response to your open letter from two days ago.

First off, the name makes no sense any longer. I can’t keep track of who is who, are you now “John from 42 hours ago”or are we back to being one again? I friggin hate time travel so let’s agree to stop f’n with the universe, OK?

Back to the task at hand.

By now you know that I/we moved that Viburnum.

I’m sorry to disappoint you but it was going to happen even with your efforts to go all Doc Brown on me. You knew this was going to be the outcome all along but I respect your perseverance. What I don’t respect is the cheap shot you took when bringing up “The Azalea Incident”. That was low and I’m still shocked that you went right for the jugular like that.

Need I remind you the success we had moving this Redtwig Dogwood back in the summer of 2012?

or this Ninebark back in 2015?

They look rather awesome now, do they not? 

I could go on and on but I won’t.

What happened to your sense of adventure and recklessness? This is us. Don’t listen to all those logical gardener wanna-be’s on Facebook. If we didn’t constantly tinker we’d get nowhere.

By the way, did you happen to notice that it’s been raining since yesterday afternoon? And that it’s been in the low 70’s and overcast all day today? Did you not think I looked ahead at the weather?

Let’s let all of the readers see how she looks right now?

Great right? You know we’ll baby her as much as necessary to get her through the summer. That’s what we do buddy.

So next time you think you want to call me out in front of an audience like this, try sending an email first. I’m not sure how that will work with time travel and all but you get the point.

I hope we can now move on and work together as one again. Let’s use that collective energy to eradicate all of the thistle that is threatening to destroy our 13 years of work.

All the best

John From Some Other Time or Whatever

Dear John Three Hours From Now –                                                               July 12, 2017 3:37 PM

I know what you have planned. 

Don’t do it. 

Seriously, you know how this is going to play out. You’ve been here before many times and if you really look at the metrics from the past 20 years, has it ever panned out in a positive way? 

Look, I get it. When you have that itch, you need to scratch it. Don’t forget, I am also you. We’re cut from the exact same cloth. I respect your/our passion and your/our ingenuity and your/our borderline pathological need to tinker.

But that time is not now. You know this.

Logic has to win out here. Science will tell you that this doesn’t make any sense.

So I’m begging you, don’t do it. I will type it out bold and in all caps so you understand just how much I want you to not do this.

FOR THE LOVE OF PLANTS IN ALL SHAPES AND SIZES, DO NOT MOVE THAT VIBURNUM BRACTEATUM ‘ALL THAT GLITTERS’ FROM ITS CURRENT LOCATION.

We are in the heart of summer.

It’s 90+ degrees outside today.

There is nothing but sun beating down on the garden right now.

You won’t be around very much the next few days and won’t be able to give it the necessary water.

The poor thing won’t survive. 

I didn’t want to go there, but remember the “Azalea Incident” from 2010?

I know, it’s a sensitive topic but you need to hear it. You need to remember how that made you feel. 

Let’s not suffer together again.

I have a deal for you. Let’s not touch the Viburnum just for today. We’ll take it one day at a time if that helps.

What do you say?

Can you hold off?

I think you can.

Sincerely,

John From Three Hours Ago  

I don’t know if I’ve shared this with you all before and if not, I apologize in advance. I just thought it was important that you get to know a side of me that I don’t talk about very often on this blog. Revealing this side of me will hopefully serve in providing a richer blog experience for us all.

I am super masculine.

You may have sensed it as it palpably oozed off of these pages the past few years, but if you were unaware, you now know.

Getting this off of my chest allows me to take this blog in new and exciting directions. I’ll talk guy stuff like cars and engines and hunting and MMA fighting and motorcycles and meat. It will be killer and I hope you’ll ultimately agree.

This past weekend I flexed my manliness muscles in a big way with three days of fishing in Long Beach Island, NJ. The ultimate boys weekend. Fish guts, bait, beer, potato chips, football, farting and fist bumps.

Luckily for you, I captured the debauchery on camera so you could feel like you were right there with us.

Cheers.

Right off the bat, I made sure to capture my exploits on Instagram. Wait, what? Fishermen don’t drink local craft beers and then flaunt it on Instagram using the X-Pro II filter?

Oh, the goal is to catch more than one fish? So I shouldn’t be proud of the lone bluefish I caught? You can’t imagine the fight this one put up. Epic.

Is it safe to assume the same goes for my father as well? Isn’t the expectation of more than one fish caught over three days a wee bit high?

Next thing you’ll tell me is that selfies on the beach are a no-no as well. That beard looks solid though, doesn’t it? Did you say neck beard?

It took me a while to set up this vignette on the tackle holder thing. I like how the ruggedness of the knife is offset by the soft curvature of the shell.

I’m still not sure what the purpose of this “weight” thing is but it sure looks cool with an ocean backdrop in this shot.

I love the way the tree branches frame the entryway to the ocean  … I mean, let’s cast our rigs f’ers.

I had no idea shasta daisies could grow in the sand. I’d plant more to soften the edges of the decking.

So what are your first impressions? Excited about the new blog direction?