I’ve been getting horrific calf cramps the past few nights. They typically hit while I am in full REM sleep and I wake up in temporary horror when they kick in. Once I am awake enough to comprehend what is going on, I become a bumbling idiot trying to point my toes towards me and then away from me until the pain subsides (I still don’t know which is the better option). Once they subside, I develop cramp paranoia and have trouble sleeping comfortably again. Fun.

I’ve read all I can on the cause of calf cramps. It isn’t dehydration because I drink 8- 10 glasses of water a day. It isn’t due to excessive exercise as it hits at all different times; the night after a hard run and nights after I haven’t exercised for days. I don’t take birth control pills and I’m fairly certain that I’m not pregnant.

The only explanation and one that makes a whole lot of sense is a lack of potassium and/or calcium. Here’s why:

I hate bananas – probably the best way to get the necessary potassium. Until someone creates a new breed of banana that doesn’t have that nasty texture, I’m out.

I hate milk – ever since my kindergarten classmate threw up her milk all over my shoes, I can’t stomach the stuff. That smell never left me. My parents made me drink it and I still resent them for it. It was the greatest part about leaving for college, no more forced milk. Pathetic, i know.

Knowing all this, and knowing the calf cramps are … cramping my style … it’s time to make a move. Bananas in smoothies works (no texture issues) and daily calcium pills are now on the docket. We’ll see just how much of an impact this will have.

Which brings me to my giant lemon …

Don’t get the transition? Here we go.

I talked a few weeks back about the soon to be beautifully ripe Meyer lemon I had growing on my Meyer lemon tree. You can read it here.

I finally picked it yesterday as it was time to finally enjoy it. Off it came and the first thing I needed to do was measure the giant.

About 5 inches wide and 15 inches in diameter.

I had personally never seen a lemon that large and I started to wonder if just maybe I am the lemon whisperer. I could envision a future of people coming from far and wide to view my lemons. A potential book and a movie and a legacy passed on to my kids.

And then I cut into it.

Um … what

Holy rind Batman.

Doesn’t really smell like a lemon.

And the pulp is very dry.

What a f’n colossal disappointment. Where did I go wrong?

It didn’t take very long to figure it out. After a quick Google search, it seemed to be very obvious. Two different things actually (best description here):

Too much nitrogen

Too little phosphorus 

Hmmmm. I’ve kept up with the feeding over the last few years, but nothing excessive. I’ve used a balanced citrus fertilizer but maybe it is time to switch it up. Maybe start using a better organic option like bone meal.

But then again, the fruit to follow looks normal, appearing to have that patented thin Meyer lemon rind.

Do nothing? I can’t. Need to take action.

So in conclusion:

Me: Banana based smoothies and calcium supplements

The lemon tree: Phosphorous based smoothie and bone meal

See what I did there tying it all together? I know, impressive.