The Obsessive Neurotic Gardener

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Some of my greatest childhood memories are of staying home from school sick (some real, some … not so much … sorry Mom) and watching the Price is Right. If my memory serves me correctly, it came on every weekday for an hour at 11:00 A.M.on CBS.
I can remember watching the “Showcase Showdown” while eating my SpaghettiO’s and at the tender age of 8, yelling at the contestants for their weak efforts. I could have easily won both showcases with my vast knowledge of pricing Caribbean vacations or Hoover vacuums. I was that good. 
One of the games that sticks in my memory bank more than others is the “Race Game”. The contestant had to place four price tags on various products and properly match the price tag to that product. When done, said contestant had to pull a giant lever to see how many he or she got right. You know what, let me stop you there … just watch this heavenly clip from circa 1980 and you’ll get the gist of the game:         
Good stuff, right? Was Bob Barker so dreamy that he turned all women into insane jumpy groupies? Even as a kid this question gnawed at me. Who were these loonies?     
What does all of this have to do with gardening? A whole hell of a lot actually and here’s why.
Like most gardeners, I like to “tinker” with where I locate my plants. OK, maybe tinker isn’t the right term. Maybe it is more like “annual overhaul”. I am not kidding. It is that bad. 
Somewhere in the deep reaches of my gardening subconscious is this belief that there is a perfect garden plan that I am THIS close to discovering. Now I know that this isn’t attainable, but deep down there is a part of me who truly believes this garden “nirvana” exists. It is what drives to me to tinker day in and day out and keeps me up at night in deep thought. 
As I move one shrub to a new locale and replace that one with three newly purchased perennials or dispose of other poorly performing perennials and move in some new ornamental grasses, I imagine pulling that giant lever and Bob Barker rewarding me with a brand new Datsun. On to the Big Wheel for me: 
Of course the reality is that I never come close to winning and the crowd boos me off the stage. Even Don Pardo laughs at me as I bow my head in shame. Maybe Card Sharks is more my speed.  
Quick interlude, if you’ve kept up with me so far, congratulations! That couldn’t have been easy and I appreciate the perseverance.  
If you are OK with reading more of my rambling and watching me attempt to tie this all together, please read on as I share my recent inner thoughts when I tackled yet another mini overhaul:
“I’ve got spring color on both sides here with the Ajuga and Creeping Phlox. I need color that will last in the summer but also be left alone by the rabbits and the occassional deer. I also need foliage that will contrast well with the neighboring boxwood. No problem, out goes the Iris divisions that are constantly mowed down by the rabbits and in goes some Yarrow ‘Grapefruit’. God I hope the drainage will be sufficient. I could always move them if not.”          

“I love me some Carex and they are solid performers but this is a spot begging for some color since they are surrounded by boxwoods so …”


“Let’s put in some ‘May Night’ Salvia. I’ll have to stay on top of the deadheading to keep the steady flow of blooms but I’m up for the challenge. Or am I? Will these look messy on their own without the foliage hidden as it breaks down in the summer?”

“I don’t like how the foundation planting looks here. I’ll be damned if I remember how I came up with this so-called plan. The boxwoods in the back aren’t lined up and just look out of whack. And that ‘El Dorado’ ornamental grass just isn’t working.”   

“No problem. We’ll just move one of the boxwoods over a bit so they both anchor the foundation. Now, what to place in between now that we have such a large space to fill?”

“Wait a minute. Just look around the corner at that ‘Aurora’ Viburnum. She gets munched by the deer each Fall/Winter so there are so few blooms in Spring. But, if I place her against the foundation, she is safe from the deer. Plus, the blue/green foliage and larger leaves is a nice contrast with the boxwoods. And the sweet smelling blooms are more likely to make their way into the house.”

“Speaking of deer, this Euonymus at the corner of that same front porch also takes a beating from the deer and high winds so why not relocate this too while we’re at it.”

“This will work. I needed something to replace the Arborvitae at the base of the back deck that succombed to bagworm last summer. She looks a little weak but she’ll recover.” 

“While we’re at it, this back deck area is in need of a serious overhaul. Hmmmm, I have an idea. One of the two Caryopteris ‘Sunshine Blue’ I have at the end of my driveway died so it looks silly now with only one at the entranceway to the backyard.” 

“So she now has a new home by the back deck.”

“OK, I like where we are going with this back deck bed. But I need to tie both sides of the deck bed together without making them look exactly alike. I do like the Lady’s Mantle edging the one side, so …” 

“Let’s do the same on the other side.”

“Alright, maybe we are on to something here. Although I’ve said that the past 5 years and each and every year I change this area completely. No time for pity, need to move on.”  
“The other arborvitae at the base of the back deck bit the dust after Hurricane Sandy and it’s been sitting in limbo ever since. Today we move on from it.”

“That wonderful Dappled Willow …”

“Just needs to take a few steps back and were good to go.”
It’s not time to pull the lever to see if I got it right as there is much more to move around. We should have that all done in the next few weeks.
Then Bob Barker will tell me if I got it all right.
Until then …
John

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9 Responses

  2. I’m a Plinko girl myself, but boy do I relate to this. I rearrange everything, ensuring that everything must be watered all summer and nothing quite gets to the size it should. But it’s fun.

  5. Ahh..trial n’ error go hand in hand with gardening! As with experimenting
    with plant placement. One can never know its destiny until we TRY!
    Anyway, John.. I’m impressed with your new ideas as to how to go about
    your planting dilemmn. Good job, so far!!

  6. I just love your blog, John. In my neck of the woods people either have all grass (yuk, mowing) or these be-a-u-tiful gardens that look planned by a pro. Then there’s me…………

  7. A garden is the creation of humankind. And humans, not being perfect themselves, are destined to search for that perfection forever. The instant that you discover the aha! moment,when you are certain that you finally got the garden design just right, is the time when you will determine to try to make that design even better. Enjoy the garden design journey because it’s more meaningful than the destination.

  9. Fine Gardening Magazine’s Garden Photo of the Day is a must-see for me! The daily entries are warm, inviting, and garden inspirational. It makes me want to actually visit the gardens featured, or upgrade my own outdoor spaces.
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