The Obsessive Neurotic Gardener

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I’m feeling like a bad dad today.

I had a few days off from work earlier this week and spent a good part of the time playing baseball outside with my son. We pretend to play against each other in the World Series and of course, he usually wins (I shouldn’t let him get too cocky though).

It is great father/son bonding time and I’m sure we’ll look back on these days fondly in the distant future … unless he can see right through me.

You see, I’m kind of a fraud. Our baseball diamond is on the driveway and a lot of the field is covered by my garden beds. I’m sure you know where I’m going already. To say I get distracted while we play is an understatement. Especially this time of year when plants are growing at a rapid pace.

Here’s a flavor of what went on so you can see bad parenting at it’s finest:

I throw a pitch and he hits it into one of the beds. I run after it in order to prevent him from getting a double and just for a second, I inspect the creeping phlox to see if there are any buds yet:              

Now I’m up at bat and I purposely throw the ball over his head so I have some time to see if there is any new growth on the Northern Sea Oats grasses:

As he starts to take a large lead, I call a “meeting” with one of my coaches so we can plan our next strategy. Truth is, the invisible coach and I are really looking at the awesome new foliage emerging on the Astilbe plants:  

I think he may be on to my true intentions so I ask him to get us some water in the house because the game is really heating up. Once out of sight, I drool at the rapid growth on the ‘Karl Foerster’ feather reed grass:

Time for me to bear down as a pitcher. Time to concentrate and be serious. I stare in to the pretend catcher and my son is amused by my intensity. He’d laugh his butt off at me if he knew I was trying to determine where to transplant my Sambucus ‘Black Beauty’ which I hope survived the winter in a container outdoors:  

The score is tied in the ninth inning and I can feel my son’s confidence waning. Any good dad would help his son out. After he hits one deep into left field, I pretend to bobble the ball to let him hit a home run. As he rounds third base, I gasp for air not because I gave up the lead, but because I might have my first daffodil bloom of the year:    

After giving up the lead, I act frustrated and my son attempts to console me. What he really needs to do is remind me that once the purple sandcherry fully leafs out, it will truly hide all of the utilities:

When the game officially ends, I put my arm around him and give him a nice big bear hug. As we hug, I get a better view of the crabapple tree fully leafed out:

We head inside for celebratory ice cream and like the good sport I am, I volunteer to clean up all the equipment. And maybe ogle how green and lush the viburnum foliage is this time of year:    

Are you sickened by my insincerity? Will you ever come back here to read another post?

John  

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33 Responses

  4. It’d be awesome if whilst you were busy kneeling and inspecting the damage to your plants, your son put down his bat and asked ‘Dad, you know how I know you’re gay?’

    (Hope you get the ’40-Year-Old Virgin’ reference, or I’ll feel like a real douche. Which I feel like most of the time anyway. So it’s ok.)

  6. I hand my daughter a shovel and give her one spot to “look for Cicadas” so that I am able to do my real work. She actually found one yesterday and now I have to find something else to do b/c she ran inside screaming! I honestly think they will look back and remember these times…it will make a funny story when we are older and they can understand!

  7. You’re a rascal you are, though definitely not a bad Dad. A bad Dad would have told the poor kid to go watch TV or whatever…while he went out and checked all the things you checked while playing. I say it’s multi-tasking at it’s finest!

  8. As the Wizard said to Dorothy in “The Wizard of Oz”—“I’m not a bad man, I’m just a bad wizard!”

    The time for you to worry about this is when he hits a line drive at you and you catch a tomato. Ha.

  9. You are my kind of ball player. Much rather look at the garden than the game. I would be the one in the outfield looking for clover or finding a daisy. 🙂
    Come south! The weather is great, more time to be outside! I have a cousin in NJ, a future soninlaw, probably my daughter–and I wonder WHY??? As I write this I see a Goldfinch and a Hummingbird challenge each other at the feeder.

  11. You are standing up to the name on the blog really well. I am sure your son appreciates every minute you spend with him. Teach him about plants. He might like that too. ♥O

  13. Hahahaha…I guess it’s no worse than when I was working outside with my partner on our fence and I’d run into the house to get some brushes or something…only to return 15 minutes later, having taken a detour to check out the garden first 😉

  14. You are NOT a bad dad! I call that multi-tasking. Nothing wrong with that. A bad dad would be a guy who never played ball with his children. Believe me your son will look back upon this, and love that you took the time for him. Thanks for putting in sports along with your gardening. Do you really have rabbits that eat your goods?

  15. I think it is important that you allow play in the garden at all! You know we are all paranoid about someone stepping on or bumping into our plantings. Once things begin to sprout, I am afraid to have anything done withine 100 feet of my house!

    Eileen

  18. Very funny! I am jealous that you have green ANYWHERE! It’s still brown and gross here. Just a month behind you. You would be a better dad (less distracted) if you were playing ball in my backyard!
    I can’t wait to see what else is growing in your “diamond”.

  19. You are doing what every mother knows how to do…..multi-task. Sounds to me like you are really great Dad! I don’t think you are fooling to many people.

  20. Such an adorable post! You sound a lot like me! I volunteered to take the trash to the curb this morning just so I could take an extra peek at my garden!

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  26. Haha…this made me laugh out loud because it reminded me of all the times I’ve done similar things with my daughters – not baseball, obviously, ‘cos I’m English but I’ve invented alsorts of games that involved me accidentally hitting the ball too hard so that they, as fielders, have to spend ages finding it and I get chance to check my beds!
    I’m a bad mum – and they had me well sussed out!!! 😀

  28. I loved the tour of your garden and enjoyed your story about the game with your son. For the record, in this regard, you’re a better Dad than I was a Mom. As my daughter got older I gradually turned our entire back yard into a garden. Sadly now it’s gone pretty wild since I can’t keep up with it but I did back then. I remember my daughter saying at one point, I know I’m getting older but can’t you at least leave a strip of grass for tossing a ball. I did do that. Even her old swing set and climbing bars ended up incorporated into the garden and were used for pea trellises. I didn’t do that though until she was almost off to college.

  29. Yup, I knew where this was going, and I loved every word of it!
    What a fantastic post, and thank you so much for the smiles!! 🙂 🙂

  30. Yo Jersey!

    You play with your boy; that’s pretty cool in my book. Thanks for finding me so I could come there and see your lovely garden.

    Glad we met-

    Warm Aloha from Honolulu

    Comfort Spiral

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  31. You’re a terrible dad, all right! I’m sure every gardener is guilty. I know I did some furtive gardening while I was supposed to be “playing” with my boys.

  32. that sounds pretty much like me. I am not supposed to hang out in the front yard anymore to check on things or just admire my sweeties, but that is what I do anyway. it’s where we play and spend most of the day actually. my kids know the name of all my girls.

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