The Obsessive Neurotic Gardener

Category Archives: Comedy

Garden Haiku

Posted on by Posted in Comedy .

In an attempt to show off my diversity of skill, I will now expand upon each of the photos below via Haiku.

I know what you are thinking, does his creativity and genius have no limits?

That would be “no”.

 

Grass emerges now

Plays so damn well with others

I love see through trait   

1948

 

 

Morning fog a treat

Garden photo opps arrive

The grass takes the cake

1952

 

 

Morning sun like ouch

But grasses like “bring it on”

Fun to photograph

1953

 

 

Meadow Rue arrives

Reaches towards the bright sky

Why did I not buy ten more?

1950

 

 

Allium stopped blooming

Still putting on a great show 

Called structure baby

1957

 

 

This Andropogon

I like totally love it

And man you should too

1990

 

 

More Andropogon

Color is off the charts great 

Called Red October

andropogon october 2

 

 

Soon to bloom Alliums

Early summer color blast

Awesome choice by me

1992

 

 

Why gardening and reality TV do mix

Posted on by Posted in Comedy .

**Disclaimer – What you are about to read is truly groundbreaking in the arena of reality television. These concepts will soon be formally  presented to a number of TV networks so don’t even think of stealing them. Thank you.**

In my recent post on the “art of weeding”, I discussed how important it is to fill your thoughts while weeding for hours on end. It is a survival mechanism and allows the time to fly by while you are painfully pulling ugly plants out of the dirt.

While recently on a weed eradicating expedition of epic proportions, I started analyzing why there is such a lack of quality gardening programming on television. There isn’t one “must-see” show on TV and I will scream to holy hell if I have to watch another garden makeover show starring photogenic wanna be actors. There is an absolute lack of quality gardening shows on HGTV (please remove the upper case “G”) and it is time to make a stink over it.

Funny thing is, as the hours dragged on and my hands became more and more mangled, I started to think more about TV and plants but in an admittedly less “intelligent” manner. I’ll blame it on excessive fatigue.

Since we are all friends here, I can admit to you all that I watch some seriously awful reality TV. And you know what? There is no gardening representation on any of these shows.

You say “that’s a good thing”.

I say “you haven’t thought it through enough”.

There are some seriously awesome opportunities to fill this void and I will do just that for you today.

Here are four shows that I guarantee would be successful if managed properly:

1)The Gardener/Gardenerette
The show would be modeled after “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette”. On that show, men or women vie for the heart of the bachelor/bachelorette through cheesy cocktail parties, bizarre group dates, one on one dates that defy reality (like personal fireworks over a river in Paris) and numerous trips all over the globe. At the end of each episode, the bachelor/bachelorette hands out a rose to those “competitors” they want to stick around longer:                

It is all in the name of love (or so we are told) with one winner emerging who usually proposes in a garish ceremony that defies description. It is fantastically awful and I can’t get enough of it.

For “The Gardener” or “The Gardenerette”, I envision the same sort of set-up where the contestants are given gardening tasks to complete and they are judged on their work. Or beautiful gardens are visited and we can watch and see if the potential couple are in agreement on what they like (“Seriously, can hydrangeas be any more boring? He’s outta here”

The show could have a romantic angle or the true focus could be on the gardening aspect. Maybe a super wealthy individual seeking a gardener for their large estate would work? We’ll really need to test this with audiences first.

Some of the gardening tasks I’ve mulled over:

Sample task 1 – Plant a butterfly garden in 4 hours. This includes working on a budget, shopping at the nursery, plant installment and design capability. I could see someone emerge as the winner if they snip off all of the flowers at planting time knowing that would ensure better long term plant success. Someone not afraid of commitment.

Sample task 2 – Clean up an old overgrown garden filled with nasty weeds and potentially nasty creatures. Who will take the plunge all in the name of garden love?

Sample task 3 – Who can prepare the best dinner using only plants found in the wild. We’ll need a doctor on stand-by for this one.

I’m still working through the details on this show and whether or not it has a romantic angle. Either way, I smell a future hit.

2)Garden Swap            
This show would mirror the show “Wife Swap” where two families swap wives/moms for a period of time. The interest lies in how the families adjust with the new arrangement and of course the two families chosen are drastically different:

Yes, that is Gary Busey above who actually participated in the show.

In my version of Garden Swap, two avid gardeners swap gardens and each has to maintain the others while relocated. To make it interesting, the garden styles of each participant are completely opposite of the others.

Scenario 1 – A vegetable gardener who cares little about appearance vs a high maintenance gardener who allows a weed to emerge.

Scenario 2 – A Miracle-Gro loving gardener vs.one who shuns all fertilizers.

Scenario 3 – A tropical gardener vs. someone who gardens in the cold of the northern hemisphere.      

Not only would there be drama and some awesome bickering and fighting, but lessons would be learned so each episode could be wrapped up in a nice package at the end.

Hear that ABC Family?

3)Only Homegrown
This show would be very similar to the show “Survivor” where contestants attempt to survive on a deserted island with no modern amenities:

In my version of the show, participants are not allowed to leave their property for a period of time and they can only survive on the food they’ve grown themselves. Who ever lasts the longest wins.

There would have to be some prep work ahead of time by each contestant to ensure there is food available at the time the contest begins so that will have to be ironed out.

But the point of the show would obviously be “Who needs to buy processed foods and garbage when you can get everything you need in your own backyard?”.

I smell an Emmy on this one. You hear that Fox?

4)Garden Makeovers Revealed
Maybe my personal fave. This is less of a reality show and more of an investigative report. We will visit families who were given garden makeovers from other shows to expose what happened after the cameras were gone.

Were the families given proper advice on how to maintain their new landscape?

How did things look when the 25 mums planted didn’t survive the winter?

How was it working with the host and the crew?

Did the hunky host make a pass at the unsuspecting wife?

Did that same hunky host know a thing about soil PH?

This will be some hard hitting reporting and I already can hear the dramatic score to accompany it.        

So what do you think? Would you watch any of these? Am I a genius or a disturbed individual with too much time on my hands?

Thanks for making it all the way through this nonsense if you’ve read this far.

John    

The “art” of weeding

Posted on by Posted in Comedy, How-to, Weeds .
With the temperatures consistently over 90 degrees, my gardening tasks have been limited to weeding and a little deadheading/pruning here and there. 
Yes, you heard that right, I haven’t moved a plant in these harsh conditions, which proves that I am maturing as a gardener. We can only pray that this is a sign of positive things to come.          
Anyway, on to the topic at hand. 
I am ashamed and embarrassed to admit that the garden bed on the side of my house (where no human typically sets foot) looks like this:    

Nasty, eh? It was a strategic move to let it go so I could focus on the other areas of my landscape. You know, areas where people may actually linger and check out my plantings.

But the time has come to clean this disgrace up. And I have been more than pumped for the challenge.

I dove right in to the collage of weeds like a man on a mission. As I tore the weeds out and cursed them, I started to analyze my weed pulling process. I’m sure everyone has their own method and I’m sure those methods are more practical and successful than mine, but so be it. I like how I do it and why not share with you. It will be a very educational comedic read for you.

Topic #1 – Gloves:    

I don’t use them. Never have and never will. And here’s why:

There is a fine balance of brute force and gentleness required when pulling a weed and you cannot attain that balance with a glove on. However, when you use nothing but your bare hands, you can “feel” the weed. This allows the weeder to sense the depth and strength of its roots so the right amount of force can be used until that right moment where you dial it back just enough to ensure you have secured the entire root system:        

Topic 2 – Weed pulling body form:
The correct posture is a must. Shoulders must be back and I suggest imagining you are pulling your shoulder blades together while pulling. 
Also, assume a squatting position which gives you the best possible balance and allows you to be in it for the long haul.
Similar to weight lifting, these moves help prevent injury and all gardeners know we have no time for injury:    
** One side note before we move on. The hat I’m wearing is my “weeding hat”. It helps prevent sunburn on my neck and on the top of my head (the inevitable “thinning” has commenced). I have no affiliation with the University of Florida (or Tim Tebow for that matter). It is simply the only hat my son has that fits my huge cranium. Next.     

Topic 3 – Remember to stretch:
I like to incorporate various stretches while I am actually weeding to make sure the muscles stay loose and there is no cramping. The stretch below is a personal fave (farmer’s tan optional):   

Topic 4 – Effort you are willing to put in:

Weeding is not to be taken lightly. You must get each and every last weed, no matter how small and insignificant they may seem. It’s just the way it goes. That little weed will be a big weed in no time. I am convinced the little weeds know what they are doing by acting all innocent and unimposing.

Go big or go home:      

Topic 5 – How to pass the time:

With such a long time commitment, you need to mentally prepare yourself for the grind. Save all of your deep thoughts and “meaning of life” type analysis while weeding:

The time will pass before you know it and that garden will look fantastic:     

Before I go, I’ll let you in on one last bonus when weeding with reckless abandon.

Your significant other will love the dirty fingernails and calloused fingers.  

It screams tough and sexy and reminds them that you are one with the earth.

Trust me, it works on my wife all the time.

John

My frustration with the daylilly

Posted on by Posted in Comedy, Perennials .
Most gardeners have a difficult time just throwing a plant away or heaving it onto the compost pile. We tend to move them around to different locations to see if that will change our mind or we shove it in a container and hide it where it can then languish in purgatory. But we will not destroy it.
Which brings me to the ubiquitous daylily; ‘Happy Returns’ will be used as an example in today’s discussion. 
In early spring, the daylily foliage will emerge and it looks fresh and clean at a time of year when we are desperate for anything “green”:

When the first buds appear, there is a sense of excitement, but also a reminder that they will need some serious attention in the not so distant future:

Yes, the blooms are nice and all:

And when that initial flush of bloom hits it does make an impact:

But then obsessive me, gets all worked up trying to stay on top of the deadheading not only for reblooming purposes, but to keep the plant looking neat. It can be difficult trying to determine which is a spent bloom (the blooms last only a day):

And which is a soon to be bloom:

The truth is, I never keep up with the deadheading like I think I will and in the blink of an eye, they start to look ratty:

By the time August hits, I give up entirely and just cut them down heavily just to get some decent clean foliage regrowth. Of course then I figure, I’ll dispose of them next spring since they look OK into the Fall. And then Spring hits and the foliage looks great … well, you know that story already.

I do like the less common varieties as they do come in such a huge variety of colors and sizes. And they do not look as ugly at the end of their blooming period. But the deer do love them so more often than not I don’t even get to see them blooming at their peak.
You feelin my frustration too, dawg?     
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Spring – The musical post

Posted on by Posted in Comedy, Spring .

Listen, if Grey’s Anatomy or House can do a god awful musical episode, then why can’t I do a musical post? I may lose what little credibility I already had, but what the hell. We’ll give it a whirl and leave caution to the wind.

For today’s purposes, we’ll keep it short and try to gauge interest before we put together a full scale production and bust our already limited budget. Some of the lyrics have been altered but I’ve secured these rights from each of the artists. Diana Ross played hardball but eventually she came around.

Enjoy.

“On the 27th day of spring, my true love gave to me, a robin in a plum tree.”
“Ohhhhhh, we’re half way there, whoa hoa, living on a prayer.” 
“Anticipation, anticipation is making me late.” 
“I’m coming out, I want the world to know, Got to let it show.” 
“You light up my life, you give me hope, to carry on.” 

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Sideways landscape version

Posted on by Posted in Comedy .

Just finished watching the latest Lost episode (two circle thumbs up by the way) and it made me think (apologies to those who don’t watch … nah it’s actually your loss) what if I were able to compare my do nothing version of the landscape vs my big makeover plan? Maybe every change I made at the end of last season was as good as I thought at the time … and maybe I have had too much time on my hands this winter and I am only gonna screw it up.

But the fun is in the planning, the execution and then the realization that you really don’t like it at all so you can do it all again. Sort of like the movie Memento (sorry about the pop culture references … it is who I am dammit) – where the main character, who has short term memory loss, purposely doesn’t solve his wife’s murder so he can continue the chase eternally to “keep himself going”. Maybe that is the beauty in gardening … you can never be fully satisfied with your results – there can and will always be a better version out there if you stress over it enough.

For me this growing season it’s about more conifers, more structural plants, better use of grasses, better use of containers (including the right fruits and vegetables – read an amazing book on them this winter – more details in a future post) and time to give up on the bulbs. It’s that simple … for now.