The Obsessive Neurotic Gardener

Why gardening and reality TV do mix

Posted on by Posted in Comedy .

**Disclaimer – What you are about to read is truly groundbreaking in the arena of reality television. These concepts will soon be formally  presented to a number of TV networks so don’t even think of stealing them. Thank you.**

In my recent post on the “art of weeding”, I discussed how important it is to fill your thoughts while weeding for hours on end. It is a survival mechanism and allows the time to fly by while you are painfully pulling ugly plants out of the dirt.

While recently on a weed eradicating expedition of epic proportions, I started analyzing why there is such a lack of quality gardening programming on television. There isn’t one “must-see” show on TV and I will scream to holy hell if I have to watch another garden makeover show starring photogenic wanna be actors. There is an absolute lack of quality gardening shows on HGTV (please remove the upper case “G”) and it is time to make a stink over it.

Funny thing is, as the hours dragged on and my hands became more and more mangled, I started to think more about TV and plants but in an admittedly less “intelligent” manner. I’ll blame it on excessive fatigue.

Since we are all friends here, I can admit to you all that I watch some seriously awful reality TV. And you know what? There is no gardening representation on any of these shows.

You say “that’s a good thing”.

I say “you haven’t thought it through enough”.

There are some seriously awesome opportunities to fill this void and I will do just that for you today.

Here are four shows that I guarantee would be successful if managed properly:

1)The Gardener/Gardenerette
The show would be modeled after “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette”. On that show, men or women vie for the heart of the bachelor/bachelorette through cheesy cocktail parties, bizarre group dates, one on one dates that defy reality (like personal fireworks over a river in Paris) and numerous trips all over the globe. At the end of each episode, the bachelor/bachelorette hands out a rose to those “competitors” they want to stick around longer:                

It is all in the name of love (or so we are told) with one winner emerging who usually proposes in a garish ceremony that defies description. It is fantastically awful and I can’t get enough of it.

For “The Gardener” or “The Gardenerette”, I envision the same sort of set-up where the contestants are given gardening tasks to complete and they are judged on their work. Or beautiful gardens are visited and we can watch and see if the potential couple are in agreement on what they like (“Seriously, can hydrangeas be any more boring? He’s outta here”

The show could have a romantic angle or the true focus could be on the gardening aspect. Maybe a super wealthy individual seeking a gardener for their large estate would work? We’ll really need to test this with audiences first.

Some of the gardening tasks I’ve mulled over:

Sample task 1 – Plant a butterfly garden in 4 hours. This includes working on a budget, shopping at the nursery, plant installment and design capability. I could see someone emerge as the winner if they snip off all of the flowers at planting time knowing that would ensure better long term plant success. Someone not afraid of commitment.

Sample task 2 – Clean up an old overgrown garden filled with nasty weeds and potentially nasty creatures. Who will take the plunge all in the name of garden love?

Sample task 3 – Who can prepare the best dinner using only plants found in the wild. We’ll need a doctor on stand-by for this one.

I’m still working through the details on this show and whether or not it has a romantic angle. Either way, I smell a future hit.

2)Garden Swap            
This show would mirror the show “Wife Swap” where two families swap wives/moms for a period of time. The interest lies in how the families adjust with the new arrangement and of course the two families chosen are drastically different:

Yes, that is Gary Busey above who actually participated in the show.

In my version of Garden Swap, two avid gardeners swap gardens and each has to maintain the others while relocated. To make it interesting, the garden styles of each participant are completely opposite of the others.

Scenario 1 – A vegetable gardener who cares little about appearance vs a high maintenance gardener who allows a weed to emerge.

Scenario 2 – A Miracle-Gro loving gardener vs.one who shuns all fertilizers.

Scenario 3 – A tropical gardener vs. someone who gardens in the cold of the northern hemisphere.      

Not only would there be drama and some awesome bickering and fighting, but lessons would be learned so each episode could be wrapped up in a nice package at the end.

Hear that ABC Family?

3)Only Homegrown
This show would be very similar to the show “Survivor” where contestants attempt to survive on a deserted island with no modern amenities:

In my version of the show, participants are not allowed to leave their property for a period of time and they can only survive on the food they’ve grown themselves. Who ever lasts the longest wins.

There would have to be some prep work ahead of time by each contestant to ensure there is food available at the time the contest begins so that will have to be ironed out.

But the point of the show would obviously be “Who needs to buy processed foods and garbage when you can get everything you need in your own backyard?”.

I smell an Emmy on this one. You hear that Fox?

4)Garden Makeovers Revealed
Maybe my personal fave. This is less of a reality show and more of an investigative report. We will visit families who were given garden makeovers from other shows to expose what happened after the cameras were gone.

Were the families given proper advice on how to maintain their new landscape?

How did things look when the 25 mums planted didn’t survive the winter?

How was it working with the host and the crew?

Did the hunky host make a pass at the unsuspecting wife?

Did that same hunky host know a thing about soil PH?

This will be some hard hitting reporting and I already can hear the dramatic score to accompany it.        

So what do you think? Would you watch any of these? Am I a genius or a disturbed individual with too much time on my hands?

Thanks for making it all the way through this nonsense if you’ve read this far.

John    

Wordless Wednesday – early morning pics

My favorite new plant of 2012 – Northern Sea Oats ‘River Mist’

Posted on by Posted in Uncategorized .
Back in February, I wrote about the fun I had browsing the Klehm’s Song Sparrow catalog, and as expected, made a few purchases soon after.
To date, one of those purchases stands out from all the others. Her name is Chasmanthium latifolium (Northern Sea Oats to her friends) ‘River Mist’:     

While it is still early in the plant’s development, I can say it is already an absolute winner. The seedheads just recently emerged and they are fantastic:  

And even better than the seedheads, is the beautiful variegated foliage on this ornamental grass:

Like the common Northern Sea Oats, ‘River Mist’ is shade tolerant and I have mine in a partial shade location (morning sun only). It just lights up in the afternoon shade and works well with others:

A few additional bits of info on this ornamental grass:

  • Ultimate size is around 3′ x 3′ (mine is at about 2′ since it was planted in March)
  • Survives in zones 3-8
  • Deer resistant 
  • Can handle wet soil (woo hoo) and even survive some standing water 
  • The seedheads will mature to a purple/bronze color later in the summer/fall     

To truly evaluate a plant, it takes years to watch its development so ‘River Mist’ will be watched closely the next few years. My biggest concern is the reseeding over the winter and into next spring. That could be an issue.

For now, it is an absolute stunner.

Sarcasm 101

Posted on by Posted in Uncategorized .
A day like today is when I thank the high heavens that I have a garden blog. 
But not for the reasons you think.
Yes, I love sharing my garden successes and sweet flower pics with you all, but nothing gets me through a bad gardening day like exposing all of my warts in this forum for all of the the world to see. 
Throw in some wonderfully sarcastic comments on top of that and I’m on the road to recovery. 
It’s out of my system and I’m ready to move on.  
Sarcasm is involved in all aspects of my life. I use it at work. I use it at home. I encourage the kids to use it … and they are starting to master it as well. It works for all of us. 
So why not extend that to the management of my gardens? Here are some examples of “garden-casm” I used as I painfully walked around my garden today.
Enjoy:       
         
Normally, I like balancing an entryway with the same plant on each side so it frames said entrance. But isn’t it cool to cut one to the ground just to mix it up a bit. Fun, right?:        

Oh wow, didn’t realize I carried this new found style to another part of the yard. How awesome:

I like how the yellowing leaves play off of the orange fruit of the tomato. I knew not keeping up with the watering was smart:

Oh cool, the tomato is splitting into two. Double the fun!:

I’m really liking a weed enhanced pathway. So natural and so low maintenance:

It’s kind of fun to try and find the kale or tomatoes amongst the weeds in the raised bed. It’s a bonus when you can locate a hiding creature:

My aphid study project is coming along swimmingly:

I will always love the spirea because it looks great year after year:

Nothing fits better in my garden than a tropical plant. I mean, you’ve seen the pics, my landscape screams tropical paradise. And man do they thrive and get nice and big by mid summer:  

Did I mention how well spireas also hold up into the fall?:

One of the things I’ve learned over the years is to put a plant that takes a while to leaf out in a prominent and highly visible spot in the garden. Whoa, slow down Anemone, it’s only August:

Ah, I feel better already.

And look, even the weather looks great as we head into early evening:

John

“Prune in June” – another Joe Pye Weed update

Posted on by Posted in How-to, Perennials, Pruning .
When we last discussed my experimental pruning of Joey Pye (experimental in that I’m strictly following the advice of Tracy DiSabato-Aust), there were new bud breaks just emerging where I had previously pinched back the new growth.
It has been three weeks since that update and luckily for you fine reader, I’ve got another one for you today. 
First off, the Eupatorium (aka Joe Pye Weed) is in full bloom right now:    

And looking damn good along side Miscanthus ‘Morning Light’:

But enough of the niceties, this is about pruning and science and crap.

As a recap, here is the new growth prior to it being pinched back in early June:

And then pinched:

And then the new buds breaking soon after:

And the blooms from those buds, as of today:

As you can see in the photo below, the pinched areas in the front, where the blooms are just now appearing, provide the planting with a layered look that I really dig:  

You can appreciate the layered look even more from this side view: 

This mass of Joe Pye Weed has always looked good and performed beautifully in the past, but now with this new layered look (seen best from the most common vantage point) I am loving it even more.

I’ll have some additional updates on my other pruned victims plants in the next few weeks so keep an eye out for them.

This stuff is fun, yo.

John  

Scaring the kids, curing disease and butterfly wars

Posted on by Posted in Critters, Family .
The latest and greatest going on in my garden:
Clethra ‘Ruby Spice’ is now in full bloom and is completely covered in bees all day and night:

I strategically planted this shrub right next to our deck so the scent could be enjoyed by the family. That plan worked out well as my daughter picked up on the smell this week and loved it. However, the plan back fired as the kids don’t like all of the bees and run for cover. One of these days those naive bastards youngsters will understand the beauty of bees.

We had an unexpected outbreak of syphilis in my neighborhood this week (long and scandalous story) but being the resourceful gardener and holistic professional that I am, I came to the rescue and harvested a bunch of Lobelia siphilitica for those affected:                   

So it was nice to help out my diseased neighbors and all, but honestly, I am more impressed by the color on the blooms of this perennial:  

Yes, I know many think of the Althea (Rose of Sharon) as a weed or “old school”, but you cannot deny how great these blooms look when back lit:

Speaking of back lit, how can you not love the blooms on Pennisetum ‘Rubrum’ (Purple fountain grass) this time of year:

Yes, this may not be my best black swallowtail pic, but I’m not exaggerating when I tell you I chased this SOB for almost an hour trying to get the best possible photo. I eventually had to settle on this shot as she sat in the tree and laughed at my futility:

We will meet again and I will capture her in all her glory like never before.

Game friggin on.

John

Pycnanthemum incanum – Hoary mountain mint

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Some times, I’ll just by a native plant for shits and giggles.

No prior research conducted.

No particular available space in the garden for it.

Some times, it is all in the name … like hoary mountain mint:

I had no idea what this perennial would look like in bloom or even what its ultimate size would be when I purchased a few at a local native plant sale. I was just intrigued by the name and in a mood to experiment.

It has been three years since that purchase and the jury is still out on this plant.

Before we get to my personal experience, some quick tidbits on the hoary mountain mint that I’ve discovered on the ‘net:

  • Is native to the dry woods of the Eastern U.S.
  • Size is roughly 3′ x 4′
  • Blooms from July to September
  • Survives in zones 4-8
  • Prefers full sun
  • Can be an aggressive spreader through rhizomes
  • Leaves are fragrant when crushed (spearmint) and has been used to flavor teas
  • Native Americans inhaled their vapors before entering sweat lodges (I have to try that)       

For me, it bloomed sporadically for the first time last year in a spot that only received afternoon sun and it didn’t grow taller than a foot or so.

But this year, they were relocated to a full sun spot and “shocker” have performed well.

The blooms first appeared in early June:

      
And were eventually in full bloom by the last week of June:

On the plus side, the foliage of this plant has an interesting airy quality which contrasts well with larger leaved plants.

It also draws in the bees like mad as there is always something going on with these natives:

But, on the downside, the two plants I have collapsed once in full bloom and I wonder if my soil has something to do with that:

From what I have now learned, post purchase, is that these plants prefer a lean sandy soil and that is the exact opposite of my soil conditions. Or maybe it was simply one of the powerful rains that kicked their ass. Who knows?

But I’m not ready to give up on them yet by any means. There is a lot more experimenting to do. 


I dig how the spent blooms look in the fall/winter, and anything that provides a level of winter interest deserves a stay of execution: 

Anyone else grow this? Would love to hear your thoughts.

John

My interview on Blog Talk Radio

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Last night, I did an interview with Joanne Mathis on her Blog Talk Radio show “Artist, Designers and Things O My”.

Her show is all about the interviewees discussing their passion and how they are pursuing it.

You can listen to it here:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/mathisinteriors/2012/07/27/john-markowski

Be kind when critiquing me and thank you in advance to those who are willing to listen to me babble for thirty minutes.

John

The “art” of weeding

Posted on by Posted in Comedy, How-to, Weeds .
With the temperatures consistently over 90 degrees, my gardening tasks have been limited to weeding and a little deadheading/pruning here and there. 
Yes, you heard that right, I haven’t moved a plant in these harsh conditions, which proves that I am maturing as a gardener. We can only pray that this is a sign of positive things to come.          
Anyway, on to the topic at hand. 
I am ashamed and embarrassed to admit that the garden bed on the side of my house (where no human typically sets foot) looks like this:    

Nasty, eh? It was a strategic move to let it go so I could focus on the other areas of my landscape. You know, areas where people may actually linger and check out my plantings.

But the time has come to clean this disgrace up. And I have been more than pumped for the challenge.

I dove right in to the collage of weeds like a man on a mission. As I tore the weeds out and cursed them, I started to analyze my weed pulling process. I’m sure everyone has their own method and I’m sure those methods are more practical and successful than mine, but so be it. I like how I do it and why not share with you. It will be a very educational comedic read for you.

Topic #1 – Gloves:    

I don’t use them. Never have and never will. And here’s why:

There is a fine balance of brute force and gentleness required when pulling a weed and you cannot attain that balance with a glove on. However, when you use nothing but your bare hands, you can “feel” the weed. This allows the weeder to sense the depth and strength of its roots so the right amount of force can be used until that right moment where you dial it back just enough to ensure you have secured the entire root system:        

Topic 2 – Weed pulling body form:
The correct posture is a must. Shoulders must be back and I suggest imagining you are pulling your shoulder blades together while pulling. 
Also, assume a squatting position which gives you the best possible balance and allows you to be in it for the long haul.
Similar to weight lifting, these moves help prevent injury and all gardeners know we have no time for injury:    
** One side note before we move on. The hat I’m wearing is my “weeding hat”. It helps prevent sunburn on my neck and on the top of my head (the inevitable “thinning” has commenced). I have no affiliation with the University of Florida (or Tim Tebow for that matter). It is simply the only hat my son has that fits my huge cranium. Next.     

Topic 3 – Remember to stretch:
I like to incorporate various stretches while I am actually weeding to make sure the muscles stay loose and there is no cramping. The stretch below is a personal fave (farmer’s tan optional):   

Topic 4 – Effort you are willing to put in:

Weeding is not to be taken lightly. You must get each and every last weed, no matter how small and insignificant they may seem. It’s just the way it goes. That little weed will be a big weed in no time. I am convinced the little weeds know what they are doing by acting all innocent and unimposing.

Go big or go home:      

Topic 5 – How to pass the time:

With such a long time commitment, you need to mentally prepare yourself for the grind. Save all of your deep thoughts and “meaning of life” type analysis while weeding:

The time will pass before you know it and that garden will look fantastic:     

Before I go, I’ll let you in on one last bonus when weeding with reckless abandon.

Your significant other will love the dirty fingernails and calloused fingers.  

It screams tough and sexy and reminds them that you are one with the earth.

Trust me, it works on my wife all the time.

John

A shrub bounces back, a grass holds up and my daughter is impressed

Posted on by Posted in My garden, Shrubs .

I’m still carrying the momentum and excitement of the past few days out in the garden so I figured why not keep this massive positivity thing going, eh?

Here’s what else is going down at Les Jardines D’ONG:  

The Clethra (Summersweet) ‘Ruby Spice’ did not bloom at all for me last year but it has bounced back like mad this year. I’d love to report on how phenomenal the flower scent is, but you know, I have virtually no sense of smell:  

The blooms on Pennisetum (Fountain grass) ‘Karley Rose’ are so underrated even when they are no longer a bright pink color. Note to self: need to add more:    

I’ve seen very little on the internet regarding Panicum (Switch grass) ‘Ruby Ribbons’ and it has honestly underwhelmed ever since I picked one up a few years ago. But ….. just look at that leave color and you can see the potential it has:

It has taken a while to establish, but Acorus gramineus (Sweet Flag) ‘Oborozuki’ is starting to look good lining my driveway. It takes well to all of the water that drains off of the driveway and it is one of the few plants where I can actually pick up the scent on the leaves when they are scratched up a bit:

And whenever you can impress a six year old, you do it:

Garden your ass off!

John