The Obsessive Neurotic Gardener

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Posted on July 12, 2017 by jmarkowski Posted in Comedy .

Dear John Three Hours From Now –                                                               July 12, 2017 3:37 PM

I know what you have planned. 

Don’t do it. 

Seriously, you know how this is going to play out. You’ve been here before many times and if you really look at the metrics from the past 20 years, has it ever panned out in a positive way? 

Look, I get it. When you have that itch, you need to scratch it. Don’t forget, I am also you. We’re cut from the exact same cloth. I respect your/our passion and your/our ingenuity and your/our borderline pathological need to tinker.

But that time is not now. You know this.

Logic has to win out here. Science will tell you that this doesn’t make any sense.

So I’m begging you, don’t do it. I will type it out bold and in all caps so you understand just how much I want you to not do this.

FOR THE LOVE OF PLANTS IN ALL SHAPES AND SIZES, DO NOT MOVE THAT VIBURNUM BRACTEATUM ‘ALL THAT GLITTERS’ FROM ITS CURRENT LOCATION.

We are in the heart of summer.

It’s 90+ degrees outside today.

There is nothing but sun beating down on the garden right now.

You won’t be around very much the next few days and won’t be able to give it the necessary water.

The poor thing won’t survive. 

I didn’t want to go there, but remember the “Azalea Incident” from 2010?

I know, it’s a sensitive topic but you need to hear it. You need to remember how that made you feel. 

Let’s not suffer together again.

I have a deal for you. Let’s not touch the Viburnum just for today. We’ll take it one day at a time if that helps.

What do you say?

Can you hold off?

I think you can.

 

 

Sincerely,

John From Three Hours Ago  

              

 

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4 Comments
« Fulfilled
A response to me from 42 hours and 23 minutes in the past »

4 Responses

  1. Meg says
    July 13, 2017 at 1:18 pm

    Oh, I so understand this post! I too am cut from that cloth! John, don’t do it, don’t move that plant now, wait till fall. Your viburnam will thank you next year when it blooms.

  2. Kathy says
    July 13, 2017 at 1:20 pm

    You are right! Don’t do it! Wait until fall, and then hook up a soaker hose on a timer so it has a good chance of survival.

    Love your gardens. Very inspriring!

  3. Harriet says
    July 13, 2017 at 3:01 pm

    Oh, thank you! You made me laugh for an extended time, out loud! How well it resonates! Please enjoy your lovely garden and remember how fortunate you are!

  4. Karen DeBonis says
    July 13, 2017 at 3:30 pm

    I’ve been there. Haven’t listened. Maybe I’ll try the letter to self tactic. Super funny, BTW.

Comments are closed.

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