We here at WNJHHN (New Jersey Hard Hitting News) take pride in covering the news stories YOU want to know about. The stories YOU need to know about. So we went under cover, posing as a Meter Reader, to explore the Markowski garden and frankly, it was worse than expected. Here are our findings:
John Markowski, commonly known around these parts as, The Obsessive Neurotic Gardener or ONG for short (we’ll save our findings on whether or not he violated copyright law by using that acronym in a future exposition), claims to be an experienced and well thought out gardener. His blog posts would lead you to believe that his garden is lush, well designed and free from the struggles the typical gardener faces on a daily basis like critter destruction and weeds. As you’ll see, that is a farce.
The man claimed to be above using a Spirea in his garden. It was too commonly used by landscapers and not all that “dynamic” (his words) yet what do we have here:
Did you run out and purchase some Phlox plants when Mr. Markowski led you to believe that they were “ignored by the deer”? Would you want a refund if you knew this is how ALL of his Phlox look right now? We’re not above initiating a class action lawsuit on behalf of all you loyal readers.
For years, ONG has waxed poetic about how his Baptisia plants, we believe the term is “reseeded” leading to many more plants in his garden. These so called “free plants” were reviled as a money saver and an opportunity to fill your garden up with “sparkling blue flowers that will take your breath away and bring in the bees”. Did you know that these “free” plants look like this?
Not what you expected, right? Could the stems look any weaker? For those of you who followed this dangerous advice, are you spending all weekend digging out the tough to extract seedlings? Could your time have been better spent doing other garden chores? Did we mention lawsuit?
Ask John if you can see all of the other buds on this peony plant. Spoiler: the other two you see hidden in this pic have already faded so there aren’t any. Think you’ll see a follow-up on this? You won’t.
Does this look like the garden of a self-proclaimed expert? Do we need to count the visible weeds? This is only one example we documented. Trust us, this is the norm and not the exception.
And finally, an image that we think encapsulates the fraud that is John Markowski’s garden. If we had to rename his garden, “Standing water with grass clippings” is about as good as it gets.
So there you have it. We’ve got more but we’ll withhold for our upcoming documentary. Just remember, if you feel you’ve been wronged (and you have), please contact WNJHHN and we”ll get you started on well-deserved compensation.
This post speaks to me!
Great piece!! Accuracy DOES still mean something in our World, and re-assurance is Priceless!! And, no need to contact me for my “share” of that class action….not until I clean up My act, over here!! In the meantime, and during breaks: Staying tuned!!
Loved this!!
Hehehe! Thanks for the great chuckles I got while reading your post. My garden is always a work in progress too. I have learned quite a bit from your posts though, so please keep up this cheap, yet wonderful entertainment for us. Very enjoyable and often hilariously truthful. Much appreciated!
I always enjoy when you weave a healthy amount of ‘snarkasm” into your garden musings. Yep, a few years back, I made up a word that was original to me but who knows how many other people made it up as well and that was snarkastic which, obviously, came from the marriage of sarcasm and snarky. Anyway, thanks for the smiles.
Real world gardening. Love it.